As the year draws to a close, we've reviewed our reviews from 2009, and scientifically determined just which toys were the best of the best this year. Below, our picks for the tops in toys.

10) The Real Touch: With a few rare exceptions, high end (and high tech) sex toys are almost exclusively targeted at women. The Real Touch is looking to change that. A high tech masturbator that syncs with POV porn, the Real Touch may just change the face of toys for boys. True, it has its problems (most notably, the fact that it won't work if you're not paying per minute for AEBN's porn)—but it's promising enough to give us hope for the future.

9) OhMiBod Freestyle: After years on the scene, the OhMiBod has finally reached its full potential. With the Freestyle's wireless connection, you can finally rock out to your tunes without being tied down to them.

8) Tenth Anniversary Tristan Butt Plug: The Tenth Anniversary Tristan Plug takes a good thing and makes it better (or at least bigger). A beefed up version of the original Tristan plug, the 10th anniversary edition is a must have for any butt aficionado in need of an upgrade.

7) Bolero Straitjacket **BEST LUXURY TOY**: This delightful bondage device combines the efficient immobilization of the straitjacket with the delicious eroticism of being nearly naked. True, it's not cheap—but if you're willing and able to invest in your BDSM toy chest, it's an excellent addition.

6) Imperial: With 11 inches of aircraft quality spun aluminum, the Imperial is bound to please any and all size queens—especially the ones who enjoy toys with the ability to pleasure and violently disfigure.

5) Bloomy: A wonderful dildo for the girls, and a p-spot stimulating butt plug for the boys—Bloomy's a toy that everyone can enjoy! (Just, uh, remember to sterilize it before sharing.)

4) Finger Tingles **BEST BUY**: Since the day we first discovered sex, we've wondered whether there could ever be away to improve on the erotic abilities of the simple little finger. The answer, friends, is yes: with the help of the Finger Tingles, your mild-mannered digit becomes a super finger.

3) Contour Q **BEST DISCREET TOY**: Don't be fooled by Contour Q's innocent appearance: these bumpy little massage stones know their way around a woman's body. And we do mean all parts of the body.

2) Sqweel: With the Sqweel, Love Honey set out to create a toy that replicates the sensation of oral sex. While they may not have quite achieved that goal, they did create a wholly unique toy that stimulates in a very unusual (and very pleasing) way.

1) Form 2: Small, sleek, and super-powered: the rabbit-inspired Form 2 has two silicone ears that are all revved up and ready to rock. And just like a real rabbit, this thing won't quit until long after you're satisifed.

Worst Toy of 2009: The Blowguard: Sure, it'll enable you to give a decent blowjob with absolutely no effort...at the cost of your dignity, your comfort, and your ability to control your drooling.

While the Form 2's ears made it rabbit-like in appearance, the Ina is a rabbit in a more metaphorical sense: unlike the Form 2, it is a dual stimulation (aka "rabbit" vibe)...but in appearance, well, it bears more resemblance to some sort of cactus than a fuzzy little bunny.

But, of course, it's much more pleasant than a cactus would be on the lady parts. Ina's sleek, smooth contours felt great on my bits; and I greatly enjoyed the many pulse patterns offered by the toy. If you're familiar with Lelo toys and Lelo quality, you should know what to expect here: it's a solid, well designed piece of machinery that'll keep you happy all night long.

However, there were some road bumps to my experience with Ina. The first came early on: Ina's smaller prong (the one used for external stimulation) is in a relatively fixed position. While it's flexible enough to bend back a bit, it may not be enough to accommodate all body types. Ultimately, it was fine for me—but if you prefer your external and internal stimulators to have a good deal of distance between them, this may not be the toy for you.

Secondly, the external and internal stimulators do not have separate controls. The Ina's four buttons control all parts of the toy simultaneously, whether they're turning it on, turning it up, or cycling through a few rocking beats. If you like your clit to rock as hard as your gspot, then carry on—but if you want to be able to switch things up between the two areas, another toy might suit you better.

True, the rabbit vibe is a classic toy—but it's always nice to see the classics get reinvented (like when Baz Luhrmann shot "Romeo and Juliet"!). Ina's one great take on dual stimulation...and we can't wait to see what other sorts of remixes the future has in store for us.

· Lelo (lelo.com)
· Buy the Ina (babeland.com)

A bright red sheath encasing (what else?) a bullet vibe, the Finger Tingles looks a bit like a very ineffective bottle opener. But trust me: with a little know how and maneuvering, this toy should have no problem popping your cork.

To use the Finger Tingles, simply slip your finger of choice (index finger, middle finger, someone else's finger...whatever) through the hole, and press the vibrator's button to activate. Voila! You should immediately notice some tingling...in your finger. No, there's nothing wrong with you: the toy's sheath is, in fact, conducting the bullet's vibration into your finger.

Most of you have probably figured out what happens next, but if you're feeling a little slow today, I'll happily explain. Using your (vibrating!) finger, proceed to stimulate yourself as normal. Yes, your finger just got that much more powerful.

But wait! There's more: move the Finger Tingles all the way down to the base of of your finger, and you now have the ability to do oh so much more with that little digit. For instance, slide it inside yourself, with the vibrator pressing against your clitoris and labia. Yes, that is what we call double stimulation (eat your heart out, rabbit vibe!).

The Finger Tingles is a wonderful example of how effective simple, good design (and your very own finger!) can be. My one complaint? It's only available in one size. Much as I liked it, it felt a little large and unwieldy in the palm of my hand. Then again, my hands are (more or less) the size of a child's...so that probably won't happen to you.

· Buy the Finger Tingles Vibrator (goodvibes.com)

JimmyJane is referring to the Form 2 as a rabbit vibe (and given its resemblance to a certain Sanrio character, it's not hard to see why). But don't be fooled: this isn't the Rabbit Pearl you're dealing with. The Form 2 is a world away from the toy that was the toast of the "Sex and the City" set.

For one thing, the Form 2 is for external use only. But don't think that the lack of dual stimulation is a failing: the Form 2 may not do everything, but what it does do, it does very, very well. The two ears (which can stimulate the labia, envelope the clitoris, and whatever else your dirty little mind imagines) are each powered by their very own motor...the better to vibrate as hard as possible, of course.

And there's also the matter of the controls. The Form 2 is graced with three little buttons: a plus sign (to turn vibration on and up), a minus sign (to decrease vibration and turn it off), and a squiggly line, which takes the toy through different pulse patterns. It's a simple, intuitive set up, and it works very, very well—even in my orgasm addled state, I was still easily able to navigate my way through the pleasure cycle.

But that's not all! The Form 2 is completely waterproof (for bathtime fun), and—and this really excites me—it's impossible to overcharge it. Yes, leave your toy sitting on your charger overnight, if you like; it'll still be good as new in the morning.

In the past, I've had my issues with some of JimmyJane's products, but the Form 2 might just be enough to turn me into a true believer. I'm eagerly looking forward to Form 3 and 4...I can't wait to see what the future holds.

· Buy the Form 2 (jimmyjane.com)

Last year, we were presented with the very praiseworthy SaSi from Je Joue, which turned the idea of what a sex toy can do completely on its head: instead of vibrating or penetrating, the SaSi's primary stimulation comes from moving pressure created by a small nub on the toy's underside. Now LoveHoney has their own innovative toy: meet the Sqweel, a rotating wheel of ten pink rubber tongues.

The idea behind the Sqweel is relatively simple: as the wheel rotates, the pink tongues flick against the clitoris (or nipple, or penis, or labia, or...you get the idea) one after the other after the other (and so on). The idea is to simulate oral sex—though I have to say, most of my partners have had an oral repertoire that was more extensive than simple tongue flinging.

That's not to say that the Sqweel isn't awesome; because, well, it feels pretty darn great. The soft tongues create a very nice feeling, and were easily able to get me off—obviously, the most important test in any sex toy.

However, the Sqweel can be a rather temperamental toy. For optimal results, it must be held just so: when I attempted it press it into my parts to increase the stimulation, I found that the tongues completely stopped spinning—likewise my attempts to clutch the toy between my thighs for hands free fun (I eventually got this to work, but it took some strategizing). But don't be discouraged by any initial struggles: when you do get it work just so, the resulting feeling is well worth the effort.

One criticism, though: despite LoveHoney's claims, I would not classify this toy as "easy to clean," purely on the basis that in order to clean the toy, you must first disassemble it. Sure, the disassembly is a mere two steps—but that's a whole lot more work than it takes to just rinse off any of my other toys.

Of course, none of my other toys house a wheel of ten divine, spinning tongues—so I guess it's just a trade off I'll have to live with.

· Buy the LoveHoney Sqweel (lovehoney.co.uk)

The blame is the worst: "If your mouth was on it, it wouldn't have popped out and gored you." "If you could have just stayed still..."

But this product, a little sleeve of externally ribbed Cyberskin, allows her to firmly grip your Shafted One as if it were a bicycle handlebar (Which it IS, right? RIGHT??), theoretically less vulnerable to losing control when she stops to take a breath or otherwise shout praises to Jesus, as she'll have her hand firmly clasped around you.

The 69® Ego Stroker CyberSkin® Oral Sex Enhancer sounds like this.

Myself, I'm not sure why you would want to stay with someone who doesn't have the presence of mind to keep a firm grip on that which is most important to you, but everyone needs a little help some time.

· Topco (topcosales.us)
· Buy the 69® Ego Stroker CyberSkin® Oral Sex Enhancer (somethingsexyplanet.com)

Enter the Hiney Can. Literally. From either end!.

This ingenious product features a "Fanta Flesh" vagina on one end and an anus on the other, stuffed into a tube that resembles a Heineken can. Until now, I don't think a mere marital aid has ever trumped the experience of making the sex with a real human, but you have to admit that the Hiney Can eliminates the middle woman, until the expression "too drunk to fuck" loses all meaning and disappears up itself; you are fucking Drunk Incarnate.

Get me a fuckable Jagermeister bottle and Heidi Fleiss a fuckable meth lab and we are never leaving Nevada again.

· Hiney Can (tengashop.com)

Packaged in a velveteen case like chocolates and featuring elegant floral arrangements within, these glass balls don't release heat and give your partner orgasms. They don't get in the way of your penis and give you orgasms. They aren't for shooting out of the vagina at enemies.

And you definitely do not hand them to your partner saying, "Thought your vag needed tightening."

The "Pleasure" in the title of this product most likely refers to the pleasure someone else might feel at seeing these sturdy little tools disappearing up the parts of his/her beloved. Experts say that, if you can keep these two marbles inside after a few trips up and down the stairs, then you can probably open a fire hydrant with your labia.

Our test subject is, of course, capable of opening a Mexican Coke bottle with her vagina, but Ben Wa balls are great for anyone wishing to strengthen her pubococcygeal muscle, providing two chic orbs to squeeze, release, and squeeze again.

Remember, Ben Wa balls do not disappear out the back door. As Lorelei Lee explained to a timid victim recently, "It's a closed passage."

· Buy CyberGlass Ben Wa Pleasure Balls (erosboutique.com)

For the most part, the Freestyle is very similar to the original OhMiBod, in that its a vibrator that syncs to the sounds of your music (or, if you prefer, works as a normal vibrator—but where's the fun in that?). But there's one key feature that makes the Freestyle a winner: unlike its predecessors, the Freestyle won't leave you tangled up in wires.

In previous incaranations, OhMiBod's toys always plugged directly into the iPod. While the long cord made the situation workable, it was hard to ignore the fact that you were, literally, tethered to your iPod—a situation that could make things a little tricky, especially during partner play.

The Freestyle, on the other hand, has no such limitations. Rather than plugging the toy into the vibrator, one merely has to plug a transmitter into the iPod, which wirelessly transmits the vibrations to the Freestyle. It's a small change, but one that's greatly appreciated—and greatly improves the experience.

However, the toy wasn't quite perfect: much to my disappointment, the Freestyle abandons the wonderfully curvy shape of the NaughtiNano, opting instead for a Slimline-like body. It's okay and all—but it would be nice to see a wireless iPod vibe with a more body-friendly shape. (I also have fantasies of a very tiny Freestyle that can be tucked into the panties for discreet play in public—but maybe that's just me.)

I'd also love it if some future version of the Freestyle would enable the user to skip through songs using the toy alone. See, because the cord-free nature of the Freestyle gives me such freedom, I've taken to plugging my iPod into my speakers, and enjoying the beats from all the way across the room. And sometimes, well, I'd like to be able to switch a song without actually getting up and going to the iPod. But, uh, maybe that's just me.

Anyway: when it comes to iPod-synced vibes, the Freestyle is easily the pinnacle of achievement (for now, at least). And I, for one, look forward to enjoying many, many wireless orgasms for years to come—or at least until they come out with the next, even better model of this toy.

· Buy the Freestyle (babeland.com)

The Bottoms-Up Butt Silicone P-Spot Rocker (Now in Ice), distributed by Topco, is quite a beautiful piece of functional art, the kind of thing that unsuspecting guests might not immediately recognize as a sex toy (the way they did your six-foot Chewbacca with the strategic holes).

But caution is the watchword before inserting anything this beautiful and New Power Generation-ish into your backside, fellas. We farmed this out to a willing test subject, who said:

"This stimulated my perineum and my prostate simultaneously. All it took was a little effort."

People with small children may want to send them out of the room for the next part.

"But the P-Spot Rocker-Ice's color isn't conducive to repeated uses, as it tends to reflect where it's been. Still, it's a great little toy."

...and a (w)hole lot better than putting a slew of Andrew Wyeth's Helga paintings up that way.

· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)
· Buy the Bottoms Ups P-Spot Rocker (tlavideo.com)

The Contour Q is actually a set of two ceramic stones—one bumpy, one ribbed—that are shaped like small spheres with with small protrusions on either end (I'm not exactly sure where the "Q" came from). Used individually, or paired with the larger Contour M, they're designed to provide a deep, targeted massage, hitting the body's pressure points in just the right way.

But let me tell you something: my favorite pressure point to target with the Contour Q is quite a bit aways from my back. Yes, I'm quite partial to using the Contour Q for clitoral stimulation (and though it may not be explicitly discussed in their PR materials, trust that this is most definitely something that JimmyJane intended).

I'm not quite sure what sort of voodoo is involved, but rolling the Contour Q (either one!) back and forth against the clitoris feels just marvelous. And while I'm sure they're good for other massages too, well—let's just say I've been a little too preoccupied to find out. But hey: the clitoral stimulation alone is well worth the $25, right?

· Contour Q (jimmyjane.com)
· Buy Contour Q (babeland.com)

Topco takes us back to a time when pubic hair's purpose was to shade a delightful secret and to provide a marker on the way to home base. Today it's just slide right in.

Laura Doone's Vibrating Cyberskin Hairy Pussy arrived via UPS on a 100-degree day in Los Angeles, and it was still warm when it got here. Holding it in my hands, squeezing it until it made that distinctive Cyberskin thworpthworpthworp, I imagined what it would be like when original "Joy of Sex" line art-looking lovers would routinely burst into flame when their pubes ignited, as I have read in ancient tomes.

"Was it actually molded from Laura Doone?" I asked a Topco representative, unable to find anything about the current whereabouts of the Cyberskin creation's namesake.

"No, it was inspired by Laura," I was told. "There was no way to actually mold her."

If Ms. Doone was 18 years old at the time of her centerfold by Bob Guccione, she would be 53 now. Unfortunately, only by having a shaved pussy could her age be verified.

I asked the Topco representative where the hair came from.

"Was it from angels?" I said.

"It's the same material you'd find in high-end wigs," he said.

So angels?

Anyway, I looked into my drawer full of Cyberskin vibrating pussies and found that this one was similar to several other shaved ones, except with hair. It's like they used a Joanna Angel chassis and put hair on it.

But that's OK, because to use Laura Doone's Vibrating Cyberskin Pussy is to actually fuck time, and that's got to be worth something.

· Topco (topcosales.us)
· Buy Laura Doone's 1974 Hairy Vibrating Cyberskin Pussy (sextoysexfurniture.com)

The main pros to the Earth Angel are immediately obvious. It's made from recycled plastics and doesn't require batteries, so you can rest easy that you're not killing the planet while rubbing one out. It also requires nothing but your own elbow grease to get up and running—a nice bonus if you're ever in need of some, ahem, relaxation during a blackout.

On the con side: look, I can't lie to you, this thing is a bitch to power up. At four minutes of cranking per thirty minutes of vibing, it seems like a lot of work for minimal payoff (especially since—let's face it—many of us could easily get off in four minutes with just our hands, or even an equally earth-friendly dildo). True, it can also be charged with a 5-volt charger (not included); but doesn't that power drain take away from the Earth-friendly aspect?

And then, of course, there's the matter of how the vibe performs. As the picture indicates, the Earth Angel is basically a Slimline vibe with a crank on the end. It's hard plastic, and it's ultra straight: all of which adds up to the kind of vibe that just doesn't really work for me.

I love the idea of a toy that doesn't make me run to the bodega for batteries, and doesn't take hours to power up, but the Earth Angel needs a few more tweaks before it gains my seal of approval. Note to the manufacturers: throw in a little curve to the body, maybe soften it up a bit, and see what you can do about reducing the crank time. Once you've got that down, well, baby, we'll be in business.

· Buy the Earth Angel (babeland.com)

Made of a velvety hard plastic, the bumpy toy feels sleek against the skin—always a nice sensation. With its arched head, it's perfectly positioned to rub up against a girl's gspot; the small bumps lining the top of the head feel great when they come into contact with the, ahem, outer areas.

But I found myself wanting to feel the whole toy inside me—and, alas, here is where I was stymied. It looked like it should go in just fine, but whenever I attempted this feat, I found myself out of luck. More persistent (or more flexible) penetrators may have more success with this than I did (and if you do, please report back).

And what, you ask, about the vibration part of this vibrator? In terms of intensity, this is a mid-range toy: it's no powerhouse, but it's charged enough to make an impression. Depending on your mood, you can increase or decrease the vibration by turning the dial at the base of the toy. (Don't be expecting any fancy pulse patterns, though—this is a strictly entry-level toy.)

I wouldn't say that the Cloud 9 took me to Cloud 9—but I did get somewhere in the range of Cloud 7 (and maybe even 7.5!). Not the best marital aid known to man; but then again, at a mere twenty bucks, it offers up a pretty respectable experience.

· Buy the Cloud 9 (babeland.com)

A double-ended glass dildo with a slight bend in the center, Athena is a wonderful choice for any lady in search of a sleek, sexy toy that'll hit the gspot just right. The solid glass body has a decent heft that creates both a feeling of fullness and a good amount of pressure in just the right spot—and the two different heads offer the user a bit of choice about how much girth she'd like to play with. Isn't it nice to have choices?

A note for the worried: no, you won't have to worry about the Athena shattering inside you. Yes, it is glass: but it's very, very dense and sturdy (and if you have Kegel muscles that are capable of shattering it—well, we definitely want to know your pubic fitness regiment).

Because Luxotiq is a thoughtful company, they include a cloth to wipe down your Athena with, post-use. Once it's all nice and shiny, you can put it back in it's fancy sateen-lined case—or hey, even leave it out on the coffee table. It's so pretty, you'll probably get compliments on your fancy new sculpture.

· Buy the Athena (babeland.com)

Measuring a mere 4" long, and 1.5" in diameter, Angel is a toy on the smaller end of the spectrum—but one that packs a decent punch when it's up and running. Stimulation-wise, it's a pretty good toy: the slight shape easily navigates the girly parts, and its curves are capable of hitting all the necessary areas.

But, alas, it didn't leave me blown away. And, interestingly, the size was the culprit—though not for reasons you might think. It wasn't that it didn't feel good: it was that, with the control buttons located at the bottom of the small shaft, I found that I kept inadvertently turning the vibration up and down while in the process of trying to pleasure myself: a frustrating situation, to be sure.

Unfortunate, really because it could have been so good. Alas, another toy destroyed by an ill-conceived interface design.

· Buy Angel (babeland.com)

Armed with only a single spoon, four bottles of lube (in Dulce de Leche, Chocolate Orange, Mojito Peppermint, and Pomegranate Vanilla), and a video camera, we took a chance and taste tested the lubes. Our findings in the video at left.

· Buy Babelicious Lube (babeland.com)

The fucking of a vibrating Cyberskin pussy and ass (not to be confused with "The Taking of Pelham 123," unless "Pelham 123" is your new dorm shorthand for pussy and ass, which it should be) isn't a light affair. In fact, some of these items are downright heavy.

Bree Olson's Cyberskin Doggy Style Vibrating Pussy & Ass, for example, weighs about 600 lbs. The idea is that, after you're done doing it doggy-style, you crawl into it and start a new life.

Olson's parts are the biggest of this collection, even bigger than those of April Flores, which tells you that Cyberskin reality is different from yours and mine.

The Cyberskin world also ascribes different value to the angle by which one enters. You'll notice that Olson and Roxy Reynolds are doggy-style marital aids and take up the most real estate, whereas Flores and the Unknown Vagina look petite and dainty by comparison.

That leaves us with Nautica Thorn's "Jackhammer" girljunk. Her ankles are floating near her ears in this pose, and you are meant to jackhammer her on a table or similar surface. In contrast to the other vaginas presented, it looks like her vag is trying to get away. Better catch it!

Each of these items is solid, malleable and, if you leave them in the sun long enough, deliciously sweaty. Keep that in mind when you bring them upstairs to meet your mom.

· Topco (topcosales.us)
· Buy Bree Olson's CyberSkin Doggy Style Vibrating Pussy and Ass (gamelink.com)
· Buy April Flores' CyberSkin Voluptuous Pussy (gamelink.com)
· Does Cyberskin April Flores dream of electric sheep? (gramponante.us)
· Buy Nautica Thorn's Jackhammer Pussy and Ass (sensualadvisor.com)
· Buy Roxy Reynolds' CyberSkin Pussy and Ass (forbiddenerotics.com)

Rather than striving to create toys that do as many things as humanly (machinely?) possible, JimmyJane creates products that do a handful of things—and do them really well. Case in point: their signature Little Something vibrators, which offer much, much more than meets the eye.

I admit, I was not particularly impressed when I first laid eyes on a Little Something (in my case, a Little Platinum). It was just, well, little. And smooth. And straight. It didn't conform to my ideas about what a really good sex toy should be.

But then I actually learned about it, and my opinion started to change.

Here are a few of the things I like about the Little Something:

It lasts forever. Okay, maybe not forever, but a really long time. Years, definitely—and once the motor finally kicks, it's easy to remove and replace.

It's powerful. Not Hitachi Magic Wand powerful, but incredibly impressive considering it's powered by a single AA battery.

It's superquiet. Surprisingly so—a definite plus (especially if you happen to have roommates, or just don't like getting distracted by the whine of a motor).

It's bodysafe. The metals in JimmyJane vibes are sterilizable, with no toxic chemicals to mess things up. And, even cooler, it can be used anally as well as vaginally—just run a string through the holes in the cap, and you've got a toy that won't get lost up in there (and remember to sterilize after!).

It's pretty. Granted, that's what JimmyJane is known for, but it's still worth mentioning.

So, with all that in mind, I sat down to test the Little Platinum. And I was impressed. It was a far, far more interesting toy than I'd initially given it credit for: subtle, yes, but still pleasurable and fun to play with.

And, okay, some bells and whistles would have been nice: but the Little Something definitely impressed. What it lacks in fancy features, it more than makes up for in stability and lastingforeverness—and that's the kind of quality you can take to the bank.

· JimmyJane (jimmyjane.com)
· Buy the Little Something (babeland.com)

When I deal with Ladies, I consider it a tribute to my working class roots (I am now deliriously wealthy) to delay ejaculation without the aid of unguents, jellies, scented oils, fripperies, dwarves, novenas, or the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. Naturally I was skeptical, then, upon receiving two desensitizing gels, one from Colt and one from Kama Sutra.

Both work the same way (and both, believe me, work): one applies liberal dollops to one's junk when the latter has that Westward Ho look about it (i.e. when erect). As both creams contain benzocaine, a local anaesthetic that is often used as a topical pain reliever, the sensation on that sensitive area is one of vague otherworldliness.

The idea is that the friction keeps one hard while delaying the turbine response of ejaculation. In many ways, using a desensitizing cream is like your foot fell asleep but became your erect penis.

Q. But Grams, you know me: I want to feel. Why does everyone try to keep me from feeling?
A. I understand your point, Senator, but this isn't about you; this is about pleasing a partner who might have grown used to your 45-second strivings and subsequent collapses.

Where the Colt differs from the Kama Sutra product is that the first is a cream and the second is a gel. Colt's "Sta-Hard" Cream seems more like a tool for one's tool: a no-nonsense and odorless cream for the serious raver for whom fucking is a way of life.

The Kama Sutra gel seems more like a couples' product and actually tingles when it is applied (bring a friend) and tastes (I'm told) like "you're getting face-fucked by a dental hygienist." It is minty, and I felt like I was attached to the lamb we ate at Fleshbot's Easter dinner.

It's interesting how both of these products do the same thing but one is advertised as adding something (stay hard!) while the other touts the fact that it takes something away (sensation).

Anyway, since it is not about you, remember that your partner gets the business end of these products, which both contain alcohol. The manufacturers suggest that partners wash out the product after intercourse.

Those concerns aside, if your partner is willing, each of these treatments work as advertised and can be invaluable aids to stalling while you wait for the check to clear.

· Colt Sta-Hard Cream (erosboutique.com)
· Kama Sutra Desensitizing Gel (erosboutique.com)

I think of that humorless howl of protest the other day when Dylan Ryan said she liked bacon and was a sex worker. I think of that because I'm about to tell you that the moment something comes close to my prostate, my reaction is the opposite of pleasure. Cocaine also doesn't work for me. Could it be related?

Anyway, when I let my aggressively "sex positive" friends know this, they become militant. Some in a sexy way. And determine that it is their duty to rid me of this "fear."

But it never works. They give up, these porn stars and sex educators. We are reduced to fucking the old dead-white-male patriarchal vaginal way. The "My Ass Says 'Exit Only' way. The horror.

But I've tried.

So this solidly made, powerfully vibrating doodad, which seems thoughtfully crafted to deal with the odd highways and byways of the poop chute is supposed to stimulate your prostate on one end and deliciously agitate your perineum along the ridged edge of the other. I have a feeling it would work for other people, but it didn't work for me. I think it's because I'm a mutant.

· Buy the Bad Boy P-Vibe (blowfish.com.com)

The smallest of these monolithic and semi-hard "ass rods" (which also happens to be what we call L.A.'s Parking Enforcement personnel) is 5.5" long and 2.5" around. The folks at Rascal are not messing around. That the largest of the three is almost twice that size scared the shit out of us (good thing, too, because we needed the room).

The SensaFirm material is spongy, turgid, and heavy, yielding just enough to provide both entrant and penetrated a real sense of accomplishment, probably like John Holmes did in his flaccid years.

Because there were no instructions provided with the items, we wondered what the recommended time frame of graduation from the smallest rod to the 9.5" x 4.75" brickbat was. Until Christmas? The year 2525? We have already petitioned our Member of Congress to declare that day Gaping Day.

The rods are waterproof (though that should be the least of your worries) and would also make excellent upgrades for the foam bats at your next couples' counseling session.

As this video will make clear, my bid to become the Ass Rod spokesmodel was rejected.

· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)
· Buy "Ass Rod Anal Training Kit" (adonisent.com)

Amazingly, that toy debuted a full decade ago: and to commemorate it (and Tristan's) accomplishments, an updated, tenth anniversary edition has been released. Yes, I had to get my hands (er, butt?) on it as soon as possible.

You may be wondering how one "updates" a classic plug like the Tristan. Clearly, altering the amazing design makes little to no sense—but beefing the plug up is an excellent idea indeed. As shown in the image at left, the Tristan Anniversary Plug (left) is a little bit fatter than its predecessor (though not as big as the T2, which I'm sad to say I do not own).

But is bigger better? Well, as in all things, it really depends on what you're going for. The anniversary plug is certainly a more advanced toy than its skinny friend—it took me quite a bit more warmup, and a whole lot of lube, to nudge the head of the toy into my anal area. But it was certainly worth it: once inside, the anniversary plug felt awesome. A-W-E-S-O-M-E. All the delicate curves of the original, but way beefed up.

Not that I'd expect anything less from an anal expert like Tristan.

The Anniversary Plug may not be the best toy for beginners (scratch that, it's definitely not for beginners), but if you've been plugging away (ha!) with the original for awhile now, and are in the mood for a bit of an upgrade, it's a wonderful way to make a step up. Kudos to Tristan—and congratulations of ten years of such a great butt toy!

· Buy Tristan's Anniversary Edition Plug (babeland.com)

Viewed from the top side, vampire gloves appear to be nothing more than an ordinary pair of leather gloves (a high quality, luxuriously soft pair of leather gloves, that is). But flip them over, and a delightful surprise is revealed: the glove's fingers are lined with sharp metal teeth, which provide just the right amount of bite to tickle, tease, and poke a willing sub.

When I got my set of gloves, I couldn't contain my excitement—unfortunately, I happened to be at the office, where my attempts to tickle, tease, and poke my coworkers were not particularly appreciated. Having (sort of) learned my lesson, I put the gloves back in the box, and waited for a more opportune time to use them.

I'm going to cut right to the chase here: I love these gloves. I love the feel of soft leather caressing my skin, and I love the mild scratch of the metal teeth. I think they feel great lightly dancing against my skin, or more forcefully pressing into the flesh.

Of course, it helps that I'm a masochist. Despite my love of these delicious gloves, I've found that many of my squarer friends find them to be more painful than pleasurable—so before investing in a pair, you should probably ask yourself this question: "Am I the kind of person who finds the thought of sharp metal grazing delicate skin arousing?"

If the answer is yes, do not pass go: head straight to JT's Stockroom and purchase these immediately.

[Safety disclaimer: These are, in fact, sharp, and it would behoove you to be careful with them. Play nicely, play sober, and don't make any sudden moves—the last thing you want is to poke someone's eye out with your sexy new toy.]

· Buy Vampire Gloves (stockroom.com)

*****

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

Other than that, well, the Enspiral Vibrating Love Glove was a disappointment.

What you're supposed to do is insert your (erect? not erect? it didn't say) self into the glove, pump the attached blood pressure-style inflation ball, and oscillate the vibration control up and down.

Not a fan of employing a device that would add steps to a familiar process, I still gamely thought, "Hey: Leatherface," found two AA batteries from that useless HD-DVD player remote, and slipped some of me into the glove.

I quickly realized I had one fewer hand than necessary to pump, oscillate, and keep the contraption from falling off.

I noticed, too, that the glove was kind of small. Does it roll down further? I wondered.

Nope, it falls off and you have to reattach it to the base.

And what about the pump? The air tube comes in two parts and constantly detached. When it was held in place with a fourth hand, it failed to pump.

Trying to use this thing was more frustrating, I'd think, than the reason one would seek to use this thing. Maybe that's the idea? To help lonely men feel better about their loneliness? I don't know how single people do it.

· Doc Johnson (docjohnson.com)

With the knowledge that you should always go front to back, rather than the reverse, I began my experiment in my girl area, testing out the Bloomy's dildo capabilities. Given the toy's small size, I wasn't expecting much, but I found myself pleasantly surprised: the Bloomy's shape conformed exactly to my curves, the larger section nestling comfortably against my g-sport while the smaller end cupped my vulva, applying a delightful pressure to my clitoris.

However, I quickly realized that—advertising copy be damned!—the Bloomy was not a dildo, per se. It definitely wasn't a a toy designed for the old in and out. Instead, I was much happier just leaving the Bloomy inside, and rocking it back and forth for added stimulation (making it not unlike a smaller version of the Jollie). It was, in effect, more of a vaginal plug than a dildo, if you will—and it left me wondering why there aren't more toys designed with this type of use in mind.

Having had my fill of Bloomy's front end talents, I moved my way to my backdoor. With a little bit of warm up, Bloomy entered my back regions—and felt pretty good, too. I'd be worried that its shape—which bore a suspicious resemblance to a prostate toy—would not work well with my prostate-free back end, but as far as I could tell, there didn't seem to be a problem.

Until I started to move, that is. With the slightest motion, I could feel the Bloomy slipping out from my behind, refusing to stay put, no matter how firmly I pushed it back in.

Perhaps a prostate gland is good for more than just pleasure, after all.

In spite of its ability to keep my ass in, ahem, bloom, I was nevertheless impressed with the Bloomy's talents—a toy doesn't have to stimulate all a girl's parts to be useful, after all.

(Oh, and if any of you out there are lucky enough to be able to use Bloomy in both the front and the back, please remember to thoroughly sterilize your toy between uses. No one likes getting infections!)

· Buy Bloomy (babeland.com)

At least, that was my impression of the (Oprah approved!) vibrator—and this was without even opening the box.

And by the way, we should talk about the box.

The Aphrodite comes in a large, purple (no shock there), cardboard box—one that has a picture of a lady on the back. A smiling lady doctor. This is how you know that the Aphrodite is made for women, by women, and not dreamed up in some skeezy perv's laboratory.

There's a flap on the front of the box, which can be peeled back to reveal a very detailed diagram of the external reproductive system. This is how you know the toy is intended for first timers—or at least people who don't know much about their bodies. It's a good thing, really; I appreciated the educational intentions of the box's designers even as the picture of pudenda made me giggle a little.

But one should never judge a vibrator by the box it comes in. Setting the packaging to the side, I examined the vibrator itself.

The Aphrodite is a vibrator in the model of the Hitachi Magic Wand. It's big, high-powered, back massager shaped beast—but one with a few key differences from it's Japanese ancestor.

First and most obviously, it's cordless and rechargeable, allowing for roaming masturbatory habits. More important, though, is the difference in the design of the head.

On one side of the Aphrodite's head is a black plastic dome, which glows red when the vibe is on the lower of its two settings (this indicates that it's emitting heat—a very nice feature). On the other side is a plastic prong, on which you can mount one of three attachments: a flat, basic dome for general vibration; a studded dome for a bumpier ride; and a cone shaped attachment for (minimal) internal stimulation.

Now, the box claimed that these attachments were silicone, and I do believe the box, but I have to say—they did not smell like silicone. In fact, they smelled really bad, though it's possible that that was due to the plastic packaging that they came individually wrapped in (yes, it was extremely wasteful).

Once assembled, the vibe performed pretty much as expected—which is to say pretty damn well. The interchangeable heads were a nice feature (my favorite was the cone), and the heat, while unusual and slow to take effect, was a nice added bonus.

If you're new (or not so new) to masturbation, and you're looking for a hyper-charged ride, the Aphrodite could certainly be the toy for you. Hey, Oprah wouldn't steer us wrong!

· Buy the Aphrodite (mypleasure.com)

*****

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

The cleverly named Blowguard is, quite literally, a mouthguard for blowjobs. Designed by a dentist, it promises to "take the job out of blowjobs," making life easier for millions of fellatists the world over.

But does it actually work?

If you've ever worn a mouthguard—either for sports-related reasons, or just for kicks—you're probably aware that most mouthguards require a bit of custom fitting (or as I pretend it's called, the old boil and bite). Not so the Blowguard: a soft, flexible, but in no way moldable silicone tray, it claims to be one size fits all. And that's where I ran into a problem.

Now, granted, I have what dentists like to refer to as a "small mouth," and in particular, I have a rather narrow upper jaw. So maybe it was just my own freakish anatomy, but I found that the Blowguard did not fit comfortably in my mouth. In fact, it kinda made me gag. But hey—gagging and blowjobs have been friends since time immemorial, right? So I sucked it up (no pun intended), and soldiered on.

Mouthguard in place, and vibrating bullet firmly lodged in the mouthguard, I opened the enclosed packet of "Sex Tarts" lube, and went to work.

And here was where I encountered another problem: the lube tasted awful. Thankfully, the gagging from mouthguard generated enough saliva to quickly wash away the foul flavor, and I proceeded with the job as nature intended (well, save for the giant piece of plastic encasing my teeth).

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I tend to think that my oral skills are pretty decent. But with the Blowguard in place, all my normal tricks were for naught: with all the gagging, and the giant piece of plastic taking up so much space, I couldn't move my tongue, or play around with pressure, or do anything really—well, anything other than just bob my head up and down on my assistant's cock, letting the little vibrator and the pressure from the plastic do all the work.

And yet, amazingly, it was a success: it was quite apparent that my assistant was definitely enjoying experience. I'd been very skeptical of this device, but it was rather clear that at least one of us was enjoying it. During the post-fellatio Q&A period, I learned that the mouthguard created a sensation of extra pressure—like biting, but without teeth—that was quite pleasant. Oh, and all that extra saliva from the gagging didn't hurt, either.

So, yes: in some ways, the Blowguard does indeed live up to its motto. With the mouthguard in place, pretty much anyone can give a quality blowjob, no skill required. You just might find that you're now required to suffer a little extra discomfort in exchange. But hey, good blowjobs are worth a little sacrifice, right?

· Buy the Blowguard (blowguard.com)

Introduced in 2006 (I guess it got lost in the mail), the Talking Head is your standard-issue rotating beads/clit rabbit/simulo-penis vibrator with a secret: it's got a 32 MB hard drive and a speaker so that one can play REO Speedwagon's "Take It on the Run" whilst diddling oneself or a loved one.

Not only that, but Heathcliff can also record a special message for Cathy on the vibrator and then go walking on the windy moors - he doesn't even have to be in the same farmhouse with her.

The Talking Head comes with a rather tinny external speaker as well as a set of earbuds. When plugged into the headphone jack at the base of the vibrator, the sound is as good as an iPod.

In fact, the Talking Head is an excellent jogging mp3 player, considering the iPod is not easy to carry but everyone knows how to hold on to a cock. Am I right??

To listen to my special message to young lovers everywhere, click here.

· Talking Head Vibrator (erosboutique.com)

Allanah Starr is truly America's Transsexual and fully deserving of this massive Cyberskin fauxjob mouth. But what, other than the fact that this is no dainty little mouth on a stalk, identifies it as a transsexual mouth?

I think the traditional tranny story, passed down through the ages, goes something like this: Man meets hot prospect at a bar, they go back to his place, date asks for anal, Man happily complies, dawn reveals date has morning wood. Yes, it is a delightful bit of Americana, first revealed in an early draft of Lincoln's second inaugural speech. But can the same thing happen to someone like me, rifling through his cabinets looking for Bree Olson's mouth and then - but only after - realizing the shocking tranny truth?

And you thought you knew all there was to know about the crying game.

Allanah Starr's Cyberskin Deep Throat Stroker is a substantial piece of work, proud, and impossible to conceal in a little Hello Kitty backpack. The package comes with lube and a delicious sense of foreboding.

· Buy Allanah Starr's Cyberskin Deep Throat Stroker (69adulttoys.com)
· Allanah Starr will try anything once (gramponante.com)
· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)

Well, not just any straitjacket: as anyone who's ever seen one can attest, traditional straitjackets aren't too conducive to the sexy time. To put it bluntly, they're just not revealing enough—and some rather important bits get obscured by all the folds of fabric.

Not so with the Stockroom's Bolero Straitjacket. The stylish, carefully cropped garment combines the powerful restraining power of a traditional straitjacket with the free flowing boobage of being completely naked. And that, friends, is a pretty powerful combination.

But what makes this straitjacket superior to, say, a good old fashioned pair of bondage cuffs, or a bit of rope? Well, a few things:

No additional parts required. Bondage cuffs are nice... but to be fully functional, they generally require that you be bound to something—which can be rather annoying if you don't happen to have a slatted headboard on your bed. With a straitjacket, you (or your partner) can be bound and (partially) immobilized just by wrapping the arms around the body—no additional parts required. (Though if you're so inclined, you can surely work that bedpost in as well).

No skill required. Rope is lovely, yes, but properly tying rope requires a great deal of skill and knowledge. Properly dressing someone in a straitjacket requires the ability pull on a shirt and fasten some buckles. Pretty easy stuff.

The tops in comfort. Rope against skin can cause some nasty abrasions—and having your arms handcuffed in a fixed position isn't always easy on the muscles. The soft leather of the bolero straitjacket, on the other hand, is a delight to feel against the skin.

And, of course, since this garment is designed by JT's Stockroom, there are all sorts of beautiful details worked into the garment: the stabilizing harness works beautifully as a handle to steer your bound beauty around, and when the arms are wrapped around the body, they work beautifully as a nice little shelf for larger breasts. Oh, and yes, the exposed breasts are a really, really fun part of this bondage garment.

But, alas, there are some downsides to this wonderful item. Firstly, unlike rope or bondage cuffs, it is not one size fits all. The straitjacket comes in four different sizes, and proper sizing is important—so don't count on buying one to use with your many different bottoms.

Secondly, at $465, it's a bit on the pricey side. Though, then again, it is a beautifully crafted leather straitjacket, so it's not like the price is that much of a surprise. And really, don't you deserve a beautiful, sensual straitjacket?

I know I do.

· Bolero Straitjacket (stockroom.com)

The Beyond (or GSpot Dildo)'s only frills are its curlicue ends and frank GSpot-adjacent nub. There are no batteries, MP3 players, or lasers to spoil your serene vaginal landscape. It is like a Japanese rock garden for your parts (though the model we got was a distracting pink).

Curved as it is, the Beyond gave our test subject the sensation of being unlocked, though her own curious/glorious inner topography prevented the GSpot nub to gain purchase. We experimented with her flipping over onto her stomach with the device still inside her, and it almost worked.

The handle was perfect for maneuvering the dildo this way and that, whether in solo experiments or with a lab partner, and the solid silicone of the doodad had a nice heft to it for later beatings about the head and neck.

The dismount was problematic, however, as anything so curved is difficult to picture once it goes in.

"I don't like when it came out," our test subject said, which is a recommendation in itself.

Full disclosure requires I say that the Ophoria is also useful for prostate stimulation.

"Would you like to try it?" our test subject said.

"Ha ha ha no," I said.

· Buy "Ophoria Beyond #3" (erosboutique.com)

Like its sibling No. 5, the No. 12 is a fat silicone vibe with simple, one button operation. Holding the button down for a few seconds will turn the toy off or on, a quick button press will guide the Bliss No. 12 through it's five different pulse patterns (which are quite lovely).

Unlike the No. 5, however, the 12 actually has a bit of texture: its surface resembles the belly of a snake, if snakes were vaguely triangular and somehow managed to have bellies on all three sides. And, as expected, the ridginess was much appreciated—though it still had its limitations, the No. 12 was much more my style than the No. 5.

But above all, the best part about the Ophoria vibes? True to their promise, they're actually whisper quiet. Which means that, whatever your Bliss, you'll be able to enjoy it without your neighbors knowing.

· Buy the Ophoria Bliss No. 12 (babeland.com)

*****

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

This solid massager fits firmly in the Hitachi Magic Wand family but is also clearly a marital aid. There will be no denying its uses when friends come over and find it and you together, carnally. It's pink, for Pete's sake.

But what is reassuring about the Xplorer is that it is substantial, too. It felt heavy in my hand, despite its pinkness. I didn't fear that I would drop it; instead, I felt like I could wield it.

It uses no batteries but must be connected to an AC power source for charging, thus relieving your loved one(s) of the irrational fear that you might leave them for a vibrator. The five-hour charge the Xplorer holds guarantees your going home again, if anything for another charge or at least a change of clothes.

The Xplorer is not a discreet, dainty little thing; it is like a Kitchen Aid for your vagina. I was surprised there wasn't a shop-vac attachment. Furthermore, there is no cop-out oscillator switch, so the passes you make at your sensitive areas need to be thoughtful ones.

There are five attachments for the Xplorer, each of which looks like a stopper for various sinks I've owned. But each does its job, or rather you do the job and fit the attachments into whatever groove, fold, or flap they suit best. Or, better yet, have your partner or real estate agent do the job.

Our test subject liked to keep her hands free, and suggested we wear protective eyewear next time.

We got the Xplorer from Eros Boutique, which still might be able to serve your Valentine's Day needs, especially if you make Valentine's Day last until the middle of the week.

· Eros Boutique (erosboutique.com)

What toys were deemed iconic enough to be a part of the Iconic Collection? Pretty much what you would expect: a rabbit vibrator, a pocket rocket, and a vibrating cock ring. The three toys that have made their way across all of America, earning a prized place in sex toy shops around the country.

The Iconic Rabbit: Confession time: prior to obtaining the Iconic Collection, I had never owned a rabbit vibe. This was partly due to cost constraints (at the height of the Rabbit's popularity, I was a broke college student) and partly due to my distaste for mass trends (by the time I could actually afford a Rabbit, everyone and their mother had created a knockoff—and usually a cheap one). In fact, I'd only used a rabbit vibe once in my life, during an encounter that also involved an Italian prostitute in Amsterdam.

Unlike most of its predecessors, the Iconic Rabbit is not coated in questionably safe jelly rubber, but rather a jacket of phthalate-free, bright white elastomer. Which, for the record, I found a bit creepy. Perhaps I'm just not stylish enough to appreciate the appeal of all white elastomer.

The big appeal of the rabbit is its dual modes of stimulation—which, in the case of the Iconic, are controlled by two sliders on the base of the toy. One slider causes the eponymous rabbit to vibrate, its ears transforming into a blur; the other causes the shaft (and its pearl core), to rotate, stimulating the gspot.

Here was my first disappointment with the Iconic Rabbit: I had to slide one of the sliders almost halfway down to get the shaft rotating. Here was my second disappointment: when the toy was actually inside me, it stopped rotating entirely, only kicked into motion when it was approaching its highest setting. Were my Kegel muscles just that powerful—or was the toy just that weak? I'll let you decide.

Now, when I could get the toy actually moving and grooving, it felt pretty great. There's a reason why the Rabbit was the toast of "Sex and the City": it's a vibe that knows how to make a woman feel... like a woman. However, my enjoyment of the toy was hampered by the sheer volume of the motor. It was loud. Really, really loud.

Perhaps I was right to have avoided rabbit fever.

The Iconic Pocket: First off: am the only one who thinks that JimmyJane really, really missed out by not calling this toy the Iconic Rocket? Rabbit, Rocket, and Ring just flows so much better than Rabbit, Pocket, and Ring (or maybe I'm just abnormally addicted to alliteration).

The thing about the Iconic Pocket is that it's not really reborn, remade, or restyled in anyway by JimmyJane: the original Pocket Rocket (which, yes, I owned back in the day) was also white—in fact, the only difference between that toy and JimmyJanes is the "Iconic Pocket" branded across the stem.

But I digress.

The Iconic Pocket is a small, one-speed vibrator. It's also surprisingly powerful, given its pocket size—a little too powerful, if you ask me. Having so much raw, awesome, vibrating power packed into one tiny toy didn't turn me on; it made me overwhelmed (and, for that matter, reminded me why I had graduated on to more subtle, distinguished toys). My roommate, however, found the sheer, awesome power to be nothing short of thrilling. Different strokes for different folks, right?

The Iconic Ring: With its gummy, elastomer band and tiny, watch battery-powered vibe, the Iconic Ring was more along the lines of the Sonic Ring Kit than the Bo—though there were some subtle design elements that rocketed it to a higher level than the Sonic Ring.

Most impressive was that Jimmy Jane had thought to completely encase the vibrator in elastomer, preventing any possibility of it getting shifted or dislodged during the action. The vibrator's flat shape was also a plus—as were the ticklers emanating from the elastomer casing.

But overall, I just couldn't quite get into it—which may have more to do with the inherent flaws of vibrating cock rings than with JimmyJane.

So what have we learned from all this? Well, for one thing, making a toy all white and branding it "iconic" doesn't fundamentally change anything about it. If you like the Rabbit, the Rocket, and the Ring, you'll find this JimmyJane collection a pleasing tribute—but if, like me, you think iconic's just another word for starter toy, you'll probably be happier investing your money in a more advanced, new-fangled toy that lacks the SATC cred—but more than makes up for it in pleasing power.

· Buy the Usual Suspects Kit (babeland.com)

*****

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

Thankfully, the powers that be (or at least the good folks at JT's Stockroom) finally decided to smile down on me and grant me a chance to review my very own Jawbreaker Ballgag. At last, a chance for some sweet, sweet silence.

Aside from its candy centerpiece, the Jawbreaker Ballgag is a rather standard piece of BDSM equipment: the jawbreaker is impaled on a black bar, attached to a black leather strap which fastens comfortably around the back of the neck. Strapped into the device, I was pleased to see how comfortable it was. There was no distracting pressure on the back of my head, or pain of any sort—well, aside from the slight discomfort of having my mouth stretched open by a giant piece of candy. But that was to be expected.

And how did it taste? Pretty much like a jawbreaker: sweet, pleasant, with a bubble gum-like flavor. Far more pleasant than a piece of rubber or some balled up clothing, in my opinion—making it a good option for fetish fans with sensitive taste buds (and, in my mind, the best ballgag I've ever used).

The Jawbreaker Ballgag isn't the best choice for hardcore fetish fans—it's hard to be serious about your kidnapping roleplay when your kidnappee has a big, speckled candy ball in their mouth—but for if you're just beginning to explore the kinky side of things (or if you want to throw a sweet little kick into your bondage play), it's a fun toy to try out.

And remember: if you ever find yourself panicking, don't worry—sooner or later, your saliva will dissolve the gag and you'll be free.

(Just kidding! If you're really panicked, have your top take the gag out. Seriously, don't play around with your safety.)

· Buy the Jawbreaker Ballgag (stockroom.com, replacement jawbreakers also available)

Well, such is the theory (we assume) behind Intimate Surprises, a service that sends subscribers monthly packages (or should we say "intimate surprises"?). It's like the Bacon of the Month club, only instead of bacon, you're getting marital aids.

Now, I like surprises, so I decided to investigate this phenomenon further. The first package arrived at my office accompanied by a note:

Welcome to Intimate Surprises!

We're so glad you decided to take a leap into the unexpected and see where it takes you.

Because this is your trial membership we wanted to let you warm up to the idea of a monthly surprise. That's why you'll find this month's items are designed to let you relax and savor your time together before you begin to explore.

Which meant what, exactly? Encased in some mesh bags, I found the following:

· One (1) bottle of cheap looking massage oil
· One (1) "Hot Heart Massager"—more or less one of those chemical hand warmers, only in the shape of a heart
· One (1) trial size Wet Warming Lube
· One (1) Screaming O disposable cock ring
· One (1) Vivid Purple Passion vibe (manufactured by Doc Johnson)
· Two (2) batteries, presumably to power the vibrator

I was incredibly underwhelmed by the offerings.

Now, granted, I am a sex toy snob, and likely not the intended audience for this kind of system. But before investing $40/month in this endeavor, you might want to ask yourself what, exactly, you're hoping to get out of this.

High quality sex toys? Not for $40/month, buddy.

The ability to have sex toys delivered to your door, without actually have to pick them out or do any work of "shopping" for yourself? Well, you're getting warmer.

The thrill of knowing that you're being sent a surprise, no matter what that surprise is? That's probably the best reason to pursue this endeavor. And if you don't believe me, just take a look at the Intimate Surprises FAQ:

Q: How will I know if I'll like my surprise?
A: I'll never forget one Christmas when John handed me a beautifully wrapped box with my name on it. The box was huge, so big that I couldn't imagine what was inside, but I just knew it had to be amazing. I carefully pulled off the ribbon and slipped my fingers inside the wrapping paper, lifting off the lid to discover... towels? Yep. Two bath towels. Beige, to be exact. The big kind.

Would I ever, in a million years, have asked for two large bath towels for Christmas? Um, no. Would I have recommended that someone get their wife bath towels for Christmas? Not if I liked them. But you know what? They're fabulous. Large and plush and snuggly. And I love them every time I step out of the shower. See, that's the thing about surprises. They're not necessarily something you'd buy yourself or even think you'd like. In fact, you don't know that you'll love a surprise until you open the box and discover it for the very first time. But when you do, you just may discover that it’s exactly what you needed…even if you never realized it until that very moment.

· Intimate Surprises (intimatesurprises.com)

A bigger, silicone version of the Slimline, yes; but nonetheless, a fuckstick in the most literal sense. While many women enjoy the hard plastic touch of the Slimline's straight lines, I've always enjoyed a bumpier, curvier ride, something designed for more than just a straight ol' in and out.

However, the last Ophoria toy to meet my parts left me begging for more, so I figured I'd give the Bliss No. 5 a go.

Here are some things that are cool about the Bliss No. 5: it's made of silicone, it has five different vibration patterns, and—at 7" long and 1.5" wide—it's a nicely sized toy. And with its simple one button operation (one long push to turn on or off, one short push to switch between pulse patterns), even the most aroused of operators should have no trouble getting it going.

Here is what is not cool about the Bliss No. 5: it's a long, straight vibrator with no curves to conform to the shape of a woman's (or man's) body. Depending on your body type, that may or may not be an issue—but as for me, well, I'm looking forward to meeting No. 5's bumpier sibling, No. 12.

· Buy the Ophoria Bliss No. 5 (babeland.com)

This device is so thick that Doc (not a real doctor) Johnson couldn't send Hi Res images, lest our mail program shed a single tear before saying "This Inbox is Exit Only."

“The Last Word in Anal Authority,” the Wreckd’em™ is a seven-inch anal probe with a ribbed shaft of varying circumference – seven inches on the peaks and five-and-a-half inches in the valleys.

These circumferential variances resulted in a spew of New Testament shout outs for our test subject, who cried "Jesus CHRIST" at the peaks and "(johnthebaptist)" in the valleys.

Either way, after you're done with this butt plug, there's no turning the other cheek.

· Doc Johnson (docjohnson.com)
· Buy "TitanMen's Wrecked'Em" (titanmen.com)

Like, for instance, the LingO vibrating tongue ring, a small gel band with an embedded vibrator that's, yes, intended to be placed around the tongue. Why would someone want a vibrator on their tongue, you ask? Why, to make oral sex better! (Come on, you knew that one, right?)

As someone with a complicated relationship to oral sex, I was pretty thrilled by the idea of anything intended to improve the experience... even if it did happen to look like a piece of jewelry dispensed by a vending machine.

So once I got home from the Expo, I made trying out the LingO one of my first priorities. Once I'd gotten my assistant on board, I opened up the package and—just for kicks!—decided to try the ring on my own tongue first.

I stretched it out, slipped it over my tongue... and was shocked to see that it slid right off. Then I remembered: I'm tonguetied, so there's not much tongue to anchor the toy to.

I gave it over to my assistant. He also stretched the ring over his tongue... and immediately saw it slide off. Foiled again!

But hey, I'm not one to be so easily deterred—I figured if I couldn't use the LingO for its intended purpose, I could at least find a new use. Perhaps it could be a finger vibe, or a cock ring for a man with a very narrow member, or... I'm sure there are others (feel free to suggest).

Of course, whether you're using the LingO for its intended purpose or an alternate one, keep in mind that its battery only lasts for about forty minutes—so you'd better work fast.

· Buy the Lingo Vibrating Tongue Ring (thescreamingo.com)