Unlike her predecessors, Kim's not hyping Carl's burgers, though. No, this video is all about the sex appeal of salad...and if you ask us, eating greens has never looked sexier.

· Kim Kardashian - New Grilled Chicken Salads at Carl's Jr. (youtube.com)

Not surprisingly, most of the women who landed on the list have, at one time or another, posed in some state of undress (that's how we know they're hot!). You'll have to buy Penthouse if you want to actually see their tribute to these WAGs...but we still managed to dig up some pretty sexy photos of the ladies who made the list. Take a gander below—and let us know who you're glad to see on the list (and who was unfairly left off).

1. Vida Guerra (Jeremy Shockey, TE, New Orleans Saint)

2. Carmella DeCesare (Jeff Garcia, QB, Oakland Raiders )

3. Kim Kardashian (Reggie Bush, RB, New Orleans Saint)

4. Brande Roderick (Cade McNown, QB, Chicago Bears)

5. Heather Kozar (Tim Couch, QB, Cleveland Browns)

6. Jennifer Walcott (Adam Archuleta, S, St. Louis Rams)

7. Kendra Wilkinson (Hank Baskett, WR, Philadelphia Eagles)

8. Jessica Simpson (Tony Romo, QB, Dallas Cowboys)

9. Gisele Bundchen (Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots)

10. Mercedes Lindsay (Jason Campbell, QB, Washington Redskins)

· Penthouse (penthouse.com)
· List via Nudography (nudography.com)

Did you keep that straight? Good, because now there's a lawsuit in the mix, too. Apparently, Ms. Kardashian is none too pleased with Hustler making a pornmockery of her popular reality show—and the folks at E! aren't too pleased either. (See people? This is why you should only make porn spoofs about shows that are long past dead.)

Only time will tell how all this legal whatnot will turn out, but at least there's one thing we can be certain of: "Keeping It Up For The KardASSians" will, without a doubt, be leaps and bounds better than "Kim Kardashian, Superstar." Not that that's high praise—we've seen nature films that were more sexy than Kim's brief turn in the adult industry.

· "KardASSians" Porno Rubs Kim the Wrong Way (tmz.com)

Say what you will about her reality show or her skills as her porn performer, but you can't deny that the girl has one amazing ass. And for that alone, we will always, always love her.

· Mine and Reggie's first photo shoot together in GQ! (kimkardashian.celebuzz.com)
· Pics, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush Almost Naked for GQ (aceshowbiz.com)

First we had "Getting It Up With The KardASSians", a DVD from Venom starring Audrey Bitoni and Nikki Benz. But if an idea is worth doing once, it's worth doing again and again, until it's beaten, bloody, and lifeless, right? Enter Hustler's "Keeping It Up With The Kard-ASS-ians," which—aside from its only vaguely different title and, we assume, plot—differentiates itself from Venom's release by casting Veronica Rayne, Dylan Ryder, Jackie Daniels, Nicki Hunter and Mr. Marcus.

As you process this overwhelming occurrence, we'll leave you with some behind-the-scenes thoughts from Veronica Rayne (clip above).

· Behind The Scenes At "Keeping It Up With The Kard-ASS-ians" (xfanz.com)

. . .

Kid Rock: We're pretty sure there was only one reason why the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape was ever released: to prove (to someone, we don't know who) that these two a) have (or at least had) groupies and b) have received oral sex. We're pretty sure we didn't need to know either of those things — but hey, that's the world of celeb sex tapes for you.

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer: Female pro-wrestlers don't get nearly enough attention in the press—though we're not really sure that the kind of attention that Chyna's sex tape generated was really appreciated by her fellow female wrestlers (can you say "inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis"?).

Amy Fisher: Given that Amy Fisher's biggest claim to fame was shooting someone in the face, it is, perhaps, a little odd that she followed that up with her very own sex tape. Then again, Amy's criminal career was spawned by an affair she had with the much older Buttafuoco. When she was a teenager. And seriously, how hot does "Long Island Lolita: Caught On Tape" sound? (Related, but vastly less hot: the Joey Buttafuoco sex tape.)

Verne Troyer: Next up in our list of unlikely pornstars is Verne Troyer (better known as "Mini-Me."). Though Troyer didn't take too kindly to his time in the spotlight, we feel the release of his sex tape was actually a bit of a public service. Firstly, it taught us all that, no matter how different you may look, there's always someone out there who'll be willing to love you (and commit it to tape!). Secondly, it gave us all a very, very detailed lesson in how not to kiss.

Gene Simmons: And speaking of KISSing (ha!): you can't spell sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll without sex. And no one knows that better than KISS front man Gene Simmons, whose all too brief career in adult entertainment we were more than happy to analyze.

Dustin Diamond: If you'd told us, as kids, that Screech of "Saved by the Bell" fame would one day be the star of his very own sex tape, we probably would have run screaming from the room (well, after having you explain what, exactly, a "sex tape" was). That reaction wouldn't have been so far off: Dustin Diamond's last ditch effort to reclaim the spotlight was pathetic at best—but at the same time, isn't the whole pathetic grasp at fame thing the whole point of a self-released sex tape? (Oh, and also: Dirty Sanchez.)

Jenna Lewis: Screech wasn't the first "celebrity" to cash in on a "stolen" sex tape: that honor goes to Jenna Lewis, better known as Jenna from "Survivor," who raked in over $70,000 (and extended her fifteen minutes of fame) with her very own sex tape.

Kim Kardashian: And then, of course, there was Kim Kardashian's romp with R&B star Ray J. We never really figured out why Kim was supposed to be a celebrity, but at least she managed to make it with someone with at least a little bit of cred. And, for that matter, Kardashian managed to rake in a decent amount of money, too (much as she denied that she had had any part in the tape's public launch).

Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain: Given that Colin Farrell and former Playboy Playmate are two people we'd actually want to see get it on (as opposed to, well, many of the people who made this list), we were largely convinced that their rumored sex tape had to be a hoax. Yet somehow, it wasn't! See, sometimes the powers that be really do listen to our prayers.

Paris Hilton: Paris's tape hits the top of our list not so much for its quality (it's shot in night vision, for one thing, and Paris was never much of performer) but instead for its cultural significance. Before her flirtation with amateur porn, Paris was just a D-list party girl and hotel chain heiress; post-"One Night in Paris," she was a full-fledged C-list celebutante with her very own reality show. Using a sex tape to eke out a modicum of fame and launch oneself into the spotlight? Brilliant. (Oh, and there's also the matter of Paris's sexploits hitting the newswires the same day that Fleshbot launched—five years ago today! So maybe we're a little sentimental? It happens.)

Bonus Scandal! Dita Von Teese: Lovely Dita didn't so much make a "sex tape" as star in some arty lesbian fetish porn—but hey, the video was hot enough (and the scandal hyped up enough), that we had to include it somewhere. It also wins points for generating one of the best headlines ever seen: "Dita Von Teese had sex with a shoe." She sure did.

. . .

Kim Kardashian

Claire Danes

Paulina Rubio

Rosario Dawson

Helen Mirren

Britney Spears

Ashley Tisdale

Cora Skinner

Laura Vandervoort

Audrina Patridge

. . .

But the dusky beauty has more spirit, and we couldn't help thinking about Kim Kardashian and her own sex tape when viewing this vastly superior film. In fact, filmmakers (coincidentally) delivered a product more akin to the Kim Kardashian TV show than her sex tape. Bonus: a "That's Hot"-spouting Nikki Benz. (Come to think of it, this picture looks more like a porn ripoff of "Gia".)

· Venom VOD (venomvod.com)
· Buy "Getting it Up with the KardASSians" (tlavideo.com)

Check out some of the moments that kept our jobs interesting this year after the jump.

. . .

10

Not Meg White
Sometimes the best sex scandals are the ones that aren't true. Did White Stripes rhythm section Meg White really bang some college student in his dorm and let him film it? Does it even matter?

9

Britney's Downward Spiral, Stage 3
So ... um ... yeah ... that happened. Moving on ...

8

Hayden's Barely Legal Year
Another hot young babe had her "it's no longer creepy" party, to be followed next year by her "whatever happened to?" fiesta (i.e., her 19th birthday).

7

Everybody's Preggers!
Salma. Christina. Halle. Jessica. J-Love. Jaime-Lynn? (No comment on that one.) Everyone seems to have forgone the sexy on-camera Hollywood screwing for the private, baby-making kind. On the plus side, bigger boobs are always nice.

6

Anything Sienna Miller Does. Ever.
Seriously, we're not sure if this gal even owns a shirt, much less knows how to wear one, but we're just glad that her dedication to the cause of the celebrity nudity is so strong and vital.

5

Amy Fisher Understands A Good Press Event
Step aside, all you amateur scandalebrities: let a real tabloid veteran show you how it's done!

4

Natalie Portman's Ass
Better in theory than in iPod-quality practice, but any chance to see Ms. Portman sans culottes is a chance we're never going to pass up.

3

Kim Kardashian: Superstar?
The Paris Hilton "famous for being famous while having sex" phenomenon comes full circle, as her former sidekick parlays her fame by association into a TV show, a Playboy shoot and the worst Vivid video of all time. But at least she's not shy.

2

Vanessa Hudgens' Graduation Gift
Even gay men agree: don't send your high school musical boyfriend full-frontal nudie pics unless you're absolutely sure he can be trusted to not share them with all his friends Planet Earth. (P.S. You can't.)

1

Vanessa and Nick's Excellent Adventure
While they are not the biggest names on this list, the Mexican hot tub dance between pseudo-celebrities Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo was quite possibly our biggest story of the year. We hope that had more to do with the revelation of Vanessa's generous bush than Nick's pained o-face, but the moral, as always, is that watching famous people do dirty things is a terrific way to pass the time.

* * * * *

Honorable Mention: Sharon Stone's Outrageous Cameltoe, Marisa Tomei Wakes The Dead, and Mr. Skin's Top 20 Nude Scenes Of 2007

Read our review after the gap.

- - -

Stood Up

Studio: Vivid
Director: B Skow
Cast: Savanna Samson, Bob Levy, Lanny Barby, Moni Michaels, Kimberly Kane, Penny Flame, Kimberly Franklin, Evan Stone, Tommy Gunn, Lee Stone

Review by Gram Ponante

This pornolized account of comedian "Reverend" Bob Levy's rise to semi-stardom is a searing documentary about the bitterness of the standup road warrior masquerading as a porn movie.

Told in flashbacks to a fan, Stood Up is probably the movie Howard Stern would like to have made about him, but Levy had the idea first.

Levy plays himself as the narrator, but in flashback scenes, such as the one in which a younger Levy meets his agent, played by Savanna Samson, Tommy Gunn takes over Levy duties. Samson and Gunn fuck in the green room after a gig. She looks fantastic, and the production doesn't skimp on giving Gunn a little time in front of the microphone at a dingy club.

Levy tells his fan that the agent went on to get him a series of crappy gigs, including a bachelor party at which he is assaulted by a brute named Andy (Lee Stone) who horns in on Levy's strippers, but not before confiscating a bag containing Levy's act, which consists of "a bunch of nursey rhymes".

We are meant to believe that this was Andrew Dice Clay, and Stone does a good job impersonating him. Then he fucks Lanny Barby. Breasts like Barby's didn't exist in 1982, but who cares?

At a Long Island Jewish wedding reception in 1985, Jerry the waiter (James Deen) sneaks a look at the script Levy has written, a sitcom pilot "about nothing". Levy is onstage telling the guests how cheap they are. Meanwhile Jerry takes advantage of the JAPpy Penny Flame in a very hot scene. Even if the rest of the movie is not to be believed, we can at least feel that Deen and Flame really like each other.

I'll say it again: Penny Flame in a yellow summer dress is awesome. The "Jewish" ad-libbing of the wedding guests, however, about money, diamonds, real estate, and lawyers, seemed like jokes from another time (Oh yeah - it was supposed to be 1985). But a mainstream movie would not allow this sort of humor. Not because porn is the last bastion of free speech, but because the jokes were old.

Despite what appears to be ten years of bad bookings, Levy still retains his manager until a disastrous 1992 show in a Georgia roadhouse, where his "You know you're a hillbilly" routine is copied by someone who looks like Jeff Foxworthy. Levy and Samson get into it backstage.

"Hack!" Samson says.

"Cum Bucket," Levy responds. "I should knock you the fuck out."

Levy himself is knocked out by hillbilly Evan Stone, who proceeds to entice girlfriend Kimberly Kane and Savanna back to his motor home. This leads to another funny scene, this time about Stone's "girth".

This is a movie you should watch so I won't give away the ending; I'll just say that bad things keep happening to Levy.

Stood Up is Vivid firing on all cylinders. It is just the type of stuff they should be doing, and that they do well. Everybody looks good in it.

Except for Levy. While Levy is made to look like the victim throughout the movie, his banter and short routines are all of that late 80's/early 90's abusive standup style, which makes the parts of the movie Levy is not in classier than the parts he is. Obviously a talented guy, it is sad that he is upstaged in his own movie. But how could he not be? Penny Flame in a yellow dress, and then out of it, beats cheap Jew jokes every time.

As far as celebrity porn movies, though, Levy puts on a better show than Snoop did.

· Vivid (vivid.com)
· Buy "Stood Up" (gamelink.com)

Join us after the gap for a harrowing look at porn hype vs. movie sales.

- - -

I talked with representatives of several online DVD and VOD retailers, as well as clerks from three L.A. area video stores. None was comfortable giving her/his name because of the complex business relationships their companies have with studios.

"A lot of the smaller movies that come out, the ones that have a lot of pre-release hype in the adult press, don't sell shit," said a store clerk from downtown L.A. "The adult industry is a bubble and (it's) disconnected from the consumers."

He said walk-in customers tend to buy a lot of edgy Anabolic videos, Evil Angel's "The Fashionistas" ("but not the second one") and Digital Playground's "Pirates".

"We sold two copies of 'Britney Rears'," he said, "but AVN said that it was 'Hustler's highest-grossing film.'"

"We didn't sell many copies of that at all," agreed an east coast e-tailer. "The press would have you think differently."

An employee at a California e-tailer says, "You know who sells? Tera Patrick and Belladonna. And they will sell for years. The movies they're in almost don't matter. Consumers respond to the personality."

She added that porn stars are so accessible on MySpace and their own websites that their movies are almost an afterthought.

Belladonna recently told me that, more often than not, people comment on her Behind-the-Scenes featurettes rather than her movies.

"The movies might not be who I am," she said, "but the BTS stuff usually is."

Jenna Jameson is another person consumers think they know, and who industry wags think they know better.

"You read that she's too skinny, she's getting vaginoplasty, her business is falling apart," said the manager of a store in North Hollywood. "Let me tell you something: Jenna is doing fine. The people who buy her videos aren't the ones reading the websites that attack her."

I subscribe to the belief that actual porn consumers - the people who buy DVDs - don't make it a habit to read "adult insider" blogs.

I forwarded to a store clerk a press release I'd received for the upcoming "Britney Rears" spinoff, "J-Ho", which detailed star Renae Cruz' non-existent trip to the White House.

"We had to show our permits and insurance paperwork multiple times for every location here in D.C., and if it wasn't an officer in a golf cart it was somebody riding up on a horse but the Secret Service at the White House knew everything about us as soon as we arrived including some personal information which showed they certainly did their homework", stated (director) Ryder (who also wrote the press release).

The east coast portion of the production took place in and around various Washington, D.C. national landmarks but was highlighted by J-Ho's visit 'to meet the president' in what could be one of the wildest and wackiest porn movies ever produced.

"One of the Secret Service Agents at the White House wanted to know when he could see video clips and pictures from the movie on the internet. I think he wanted to see me totally naked right there because he asked if he could take me on a personal one-on-one tour", Cruz remarked. "He was really cute but unfortunately he ended up being totally professional".

"Would you buy that?" I asked the store clerk.

"Yawn," she said. "Only if it has Jesse Jane in it."

* * * * *

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

· Giulia Siegel did not make Maxim's Hot 100 list, but that's because she's German and already on the cover of that country's edition. So much for that whole "global village" thing. (gorillamask.net)

· Vivid will reportedly stop selling the Kim Kardashian sex tape—at least when they get around to taking it off their own website, which means you still have time to remember that it wasn't worth buying in the first place. (nypost.com + complex.com)

· Capitol police responded to reports of a naked man in the Senate Office Building, only to determine that he was simply wandering the halls in a flesh-colored bodysuit and has obviously watched too many Seinfeld reruns. (washingtonpost.com)

· Nudist resorts try to figure how to get the young folks interested in living without clothes. Maybe they should start them off with flesh-colored bodysuits, just to see how they like it. (newsday.com)

· Baristas in Portland, Oregon, get hip to the bikini coffee craze and start raking in the dough. Or raking in the beans ... or whatever. You get the idea. (wftv.com)

· The Ohio legislature works on a compromise for their controversial strip-club bill, which some taxpayers have discovered might not be the best use of their time. But all those other issues aren't nearly as fun to talk about. (columbusdispatch.com + news-herald.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

What with the 70 percent invention that was Showtime's Vivid/World of Wonder-produced "Debbie Does Dallas...Again" series (Director Paul Thomas sends fake police to disrupt rival Eon McKai's set! Vivid appears to be in Echo Park!), it is hard for us to believe a damn thing Vivid says these days. Regardless, we are told that Kim Kardashian has been paid/will be paid a lump sum for her efforts in "Kim Kardashian Superstar". This will probably be based on sales of the movie, in the same way Hillary Scott's "million-dollar deal" with Sex Z Pictures is based on movie sales. I am ashamed to have done it, but I encourage other Fleshbotters not to mention Kim Kardshian again, unless she actually has sex. - GP

· "Kim Kardashian Drops Vivid Lawsuit" (avn.com)
· Buy "Jaws: The 30th Anniversary Edition" instead (amazon.com)

Previously: Everything You Wanted To Know About "Kim Kardashian Superstar" But Were Afraid To Watch, Olivia Mojica Sex Tape: Resistance Is Futile, Porn Valley Dispatch: Hillary Scott A Kept Woman, Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

Will Kim Kardashian be the new Vivid-Alt contract girl? Will she appear on Showtime having girly pillow fights with Dana DeArmond, Charlotte Stokely, and Sunny Leone? Is the complete movie title ("Kim Kardashian, Superstar featuring Hip Hop Star Ray J") the porn version of "Scandal Featuring Patty Smyth" or the band that did "Head to Toe"? Do we actually see the star of this porn movie naked in this porn movie?

The answer, after the gap, is "Nope!" - GP

- - -

Kim Kardashian, Superstar featuring Hip Hop Star Ray J

Studio: Vivid
Director: Ray J.
Cast: Kim Kardashian, Ray J.

Review by Gram Ponante

The only reason I watched this movie was because I personally like full-figured Armenian women under 30. Everything else, which means the marketing and "Kim Kardashian, Superstar" et al. itself, is a waste of time.

As porn movies go, KKSFHHSRJ fails on two levels. In that both Kim and Ray J acknowledge the audience (Kim: "No aerial shots, please"), it is a gonzo movie. But even the worst gonzo directors don't feature the camera strap more than the star. Vivid recently released the "news" that Ray J was offered a directing contract. Should Eon McKai, Paul Thomas, and Laurent Sky start throwing in boom shadows to keep time with the company's new direction?

It also fails as a sex movie, because we don't see nearly enough of the purported star. Kardashian is camera-shy, never fully nude, and always in bed. The tease never arrives at a payoff—and by the time the movie is over, we don't care.

As a porn performer, if not a director, Ray J has a future. He's got a big dick and he brings Kim off with his mouth. At the very least, we have an idea that she's not faking it. The couple also have good chemistry, though not good enough for Kim to take her bra off or for Ray J not to sell the tape.

The viewer is left with very valid comparisons: At least Tommy and Pam were in the sunlight on a boat. At least Paris got filmed by the Mossad. At least Tom Sizemore can rap.

We don't yet know the real story behind how the Kardashian tape got into Vivid's hands. We'll get the data eventually. But even that curiosity is not enough to make this movie worth its hype.

Compare this to another high-profile Vivid project, the World of Wonder/Showtime series "Debbie Does Dallas...Again". While blatantly contrived with real people playing stock reality show characters, the series is very engaging, satisfying and titillating. And the movie it is marketing will undoubtedly do well and hit all the marks a feature porn needs to. If WOW producers Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato did a documentary on how the Kim Kardashian video ended up in the hands of a soon-to-be-disappointed public, that bit of supplementary material might make up for the lack of boobs in the video.

Now Lisa Lisa And Cult Jam with Full Force ... that would be a good sex tape.

· Vivid (vivid.com)
· "Vivid Does Kim...Again" (gramponante.com)
· Buy "Kim Kardashian Superstar" @ Gamelink | Adult DVD Empire

Previously: Everything Else About Kim Kardashian on Fleshbot, Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

· Parents of UCLA students might be interested to know where their tuition dollars are going. To be fair, some of these folks running around in their underwear are probably on scholarship. (laist.com)

· Want to spice things up in the bedroom? Try getting busy on these crazy adjustable beds. As if you didn't already have enough trouble getting into position without hurting yourself. (animicausa.com, via shakewellbeforeuse.com)

· The Sun is looking for a holiday Easter Bunny. A bunny with the largest breasts possible, of course. It is The Sun, after all. (thesun.co.uk)

· In case you forgot to celebrate, yesterday was Kim Kardashian Day, which means that video clips from the DVD are all over the place already and our sex tape elves are busy working on a review as we speak. Be glad it only happens once a year. (drunkenstepfather.com)

· What's the difference between burlesque and stripping? Give it a try sometime and find out. (theage.com.au)

· Some Atlantic City casino workers are in trouble for using the security cameras to watch the female guests a little too closely. Sorry, was that the wrong thing to do? (1010wins.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Lindsay Lohan seems to have missed a button. And a bra. And, uh, her pants too. (Yes, we told you we're experiencing a bona fide celebrity nipple drought these days.) Is this all part of her 12-step program? (hollywoodtuna.com + egotastic.com + drunkenstepfather.com)

· Kim Kardashian talks about the big day. Can you feel it? We're so excited that we ... zzzzzz ...... (complex.com)

· Meanwhile, Vivid is so pumped about this Wednesday that they reportedly offered Kim's co-star Ray J a four-picture deal. Looks like everyone's a winner! (tmz.com)

· Remember the flight attendant who bangs movie stars in mid-air? It turns out that sex on the job is just a normal thing for her, since her other job is "call girl." Hey, the woman likes to serve people. (dailymail.co.uk)

· Italy has banned softcore porn from its airwaves, ending a long tradition of free TV love. If Italy has given up, then none of us are safe! (variety.com)

· Will virtual sex ever replace the real thing? It will as long as you don't have to buy your computer dinner first. (ieet.org, via blog.wired.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Our long national nightmare wait is nearly over: Barring any further delays, lawsuits, acts of God, or the unplugging of internet, next Wednesday you will finally be able to own an official copy of "Kim Kardashian, Superstar." According to Complex magazine, Vivid is so excited to be distributing this wonderful, high-quality sex tape that they've declared March 21 to be Kim Kardashian Day. Hooray for imaginary holidays! Of course, all this excitement assumes that you have been without electricity for the last two months and haven't already tracked down all the best parts on your favorite forum or download site. Or maybe you knew that this was just too important to settle for some silly bootleg and only an actual DVD would suffice. In order to prepare for the big day, you should pre-order the disc now—or the download that you can burn to your own disc—and then double check with your employer to make sure you have some vacation time coming to you. After all, Kim Kardashian Day only comes but once a ... well, once.

· A Real National Holiday: Kim Kardashian Day (complex.com)
· Order: "Kim Kardashian Superstar" (Adult DVD Empire)

Previously: Kim Kardashian, "Superstar", More Kim Kardashian Sex Tape Dribbles, Happy Steak and Blowjob Day!, Flesh Flicks: Happy Threesome Day (Observed)!

· It looks like you won't be getting your copy of Kim Kardashian's sex tape in the mail from Vivid this week. If only there were some other way to find it online ... (avn.com)

· Finally, an awards show that really matters: Announcing the best "bodywork" ads found in the classified section of The Village Voice. (copyranter.blogspot.com)

· Hungary's leading XXX director says he doesn't make "porn"; he makes "fairy tales for adults." That's funny, we don't remember "Sleeping Beauty" ending quite like that. (budapesttimes.hu)

· Since when does being a burlesque dancer affect one's ability to sell real estate? We can't think of a more enticing sales pitch. (seattlest.com)

· Even koala bears enjoy hot girl-on-girl action. They are the most adorable lesbians in the animal kingdom (nzherald.co.nz)

· The new "Swanky or Spanky" underpants come with a built-in pocket to hold your condoms. Yet, another good reason to always have on clean underwear. (stuff.co.nz)

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· In a move that surprises no one, Kim Kardashian is helping to promote planning to sue Vivid over the sex tape she totally had nothing to do with and says she's "disappointed" and "confused" about the whole thing—unlike everyone else who saw this coming from the get-go. (avn.com; see also "Buy the Clothes off Kim Kardashian's Rack" @ Gridskipper)

· Playboy is planning to sell digital copies of all its back issues on DVD, which will make it a lot easier to hide them under your mattress. (money.cnn.com)

· Six people are arrested in Florida after a wet t-shirt contest becomes a no t-shirt contest. Police say their alibi just doesn't hold water. (local6.com)

· An Australian professor is having a hard time proving that a painting at her university belongs to her, even though it's her bare ass in the picture. Somebody better get to the bottom of this! (OK, we'll stop with the bad puns for the day.) (guardian.co.uk)

· A man in Idaho is arrested with 244 pairs of underwear he stole from local female college students, and contain enough fabric to completely cover three entire asses. (kpvi.com)

· So China has a centralized economy and restrictions on the press, but they don't have a ratings system for movies? How are kids supposed to know which films to sneak into? (onelocalnews.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

If Kim "I don't need the money" Kardashian herself isn't directly responsible for the impending release of that sex video that was the main subject of tabloid fodder this week until Anna Nicole came along (er, went away) and stole all her thunder, she should at least be glad that whoever is behind it is doing an exemplary job of doling out bits and bobs to ensure that interest in the subject remains acute. Alas, there's none of the alleged golden showering in any of the PG-13 teasers that have "leaked" out since Vivid announced that the full "30 minutes of explicit sex" version hits stores on February 28, but we're sure it's just a matter of time before the sounds of millions of fingers drumming on desktops while waiting for RapidShare downloads to queue reaches a thundering crescendo. In the meantime, let's remind ourselves once again not to get our hopes up too much; after all, have we already forgotten that even the promise of some hot Dirty Sanchez action isn't all it's cracked up to be where C-list celebrity sex tapes are concerned?

· "I am - Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape of the Day" (drunkenstepfather.com)
· "EXCLUSIVE! Kim K and Ray J Sex Tape Clip" (WOW Report)

Previously: Kim Kardashian, "Superstar", Wet Spots: Hot Celebrity Blindsiding Action!

· Taking your jacket off while downhill skiing on a sunny day? Totally fine. Taking your pants off and touching yourself while riding the gondola to the top of the mountain? Not quite as fine. (forbes.com)

· Kim Kardashian tells TMZ.com that she was "blindsided" by the imminent release of her sex video. Is that what they're calling it these days? (tmz.com)

· A couple of gals took their clothes off on Lowell, Massachusetts, cable access TV and two people called in to complain. Hopefully at least one of them TiVo'd it to send to us. (lowellsun.com)

· You can no longer sell "sex devices" within 1,000 feet of a school in Sacramento County. But don't worry—you can still buy the good weed from the seniors in the high school parking lot. (sacbee.com)

· Actress Honor Blackman claims that she was constantly turned away from acting parts in '60s because of her fabulously large boobs. Fortunately, she was able to get by on her Pussy Galore. (dose.ca)

· We can't think of a better way to spend a gloomy Sunday afternoon in San Francisco than by touring the city's seediest strip clubs. Riding cable cars is so cliché anyway. (sfbg.com)

· These crocheted art works are not like Grandma used to make. Unless your Grandma was really, really cool. (recordonline.com)

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

Maybe we're just getting jaded in our old age, but for some reason a celebrity sex tape just isn't as fun or exciting when it has the tacit permission of the parties involved to be distributed and stretches the definition of "celebrity" to begin with—both of which might be the case with the already hyped Kim Kardashian romp with hip-hop r&b star Ray J, which Vivid announced late yesterday it had paid $1 million to a "third party" for distrubution rights and which will hit the file sharing method of your choice stores soon. Since we doubt a company like Vivid would risk selling something like this without having the necessary 2257 documentation on hand, there's the sneaking suspicion that Kim might be in full cahoots with its distribution process, which kind of takes the edge off everything as far as we're concerned. But if that turns out to be the case, don't think for a moment that she's doing it for the money: as she told the Daily News last month, "I'm not poor; I'm not desperate. I would never attempt to sell a tape. It would humiliate me and ruin my family. I have two successful businesses, and I don't need the money." And when it comes to something that will both increase her name recognition value and give her something else in common with BFF Paris Hilton besides being famous for dubious reasons ... well, you can't put a price on that either.

· Kim Kardashian Superstar, Featuring Ray J. (kimksuperstar.com)
· "Vivid Acquires Kim Kardashian Sex Tape for $1 Million" (AVN)
· "OH, KIM! SEX TAPE SNEAKS OUT" (Page Six)
· Kardashian Trailer Video (Metacafe)
Previously: Morning Wood: Another Look at Kim Kardashian

· How silly of us to tell you about a mother-daughter topless game show team, instead of showing you their special tag team skills. We also forgot to phrase it in the form of a question. (thesun.co.uk - thanks Martin!)

· If you wanted to go AVN, but a court order prevents you from leaving the state of California, you can now get your tickets to Erotica LA this summer. Don't scalp them all in one place. (avn.com)

· Bus stations in Bulgaria are showing porn on plasma TV screens to help passengers pass the time while they wait for their ride, but for some reason no one seems to be going anywhere. (metro.co.uk)

· A Canadian cellphone carrier expects to make $14 billion-with-a-B selling mobile porn over the next five years. The money will be paid out with checks that are really small and hard to read. (theglobeandmail.com)

· Some new techie gizmo claims it will protect your children while they're on the internets. But you'll probably have to ask your kid to install it for you. (Gizmodo)

· Saturday Night Light takes us back to the youthful days of gyrating hips, sweaty leotards and lusting after Jane Fonda ... uh, not that we ever did that. It was a friend of ours. (YouTube)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· We scoffed at Kim Kardashian and her alleged sex tape, but maybe we should give her and it another chance. Assuming that there actually is a sex tape and all, we mean. (complex.com)

· Would you believe it if we told you that internet daters sometimes aren't completely honest in their profiles? Would you believe it if we told you we were 6'5", 235 pounds, and made over $100,000 a year? (cbc.ca)

· In today's completely pointless sex survey, most women say that they would give up sex for the right article of clothing, probably because they know the right article of clothing can get them laid every time. (yahoo.com)

· Prostitutes rounded up in front of a brothel? A nude couple enjoying a romp on the grass? Just another model train display at Germany's favorite toy fair. Wait ... what? (spiegel.de)

· A mother-daughter team that posed nude together have found a better way to whore themselves out: going on tv game shows. (mirror.co.uk)

· A sexy cabaret show in Singapore is closing its doors, but not because the conservative nation think it's too wild. It's actually too dull. They may be conservative, but they're not stupid. (mangalorean.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· So apparenty that Kim Kardashian sex tape is suddenly worth a lot of money, even though we still have only the vaguest sense of why she's famous to begin with. We hope Paris Hilton doesn't get too jealous of her friend's success. (xbiz.com)

· When the world looks back on our society 1,000 years from now, what will they see? Our porn, of course, since that's what we save better than anything. (news.com.com)

· We have no idea what this inflatable swan head chastity belt could possibly be used for, except maybe to freak people out. We stopped questioning the Japanese a long time ago. (Flickr, via sexblo.gs)

· For example, if we told you there were Japanese restaurants where waitress strip down to their underwear at the customer's request, would that even surprise you? (mainichi-msn.co.jp)

· In case you lost track, here are the adult versions of the last ten movies to win the Oscar for Best Picture. Just like its inspiration, we thought that "Whore of the Rings" was also about 40 minutes too long. (yesbutnobutyes.com)

· A survey of complete nerds reveals that 1 in 8 men would break up with their girlfriend for a shiny new iPod. But then who would you use your OhMiBod on? (techdigest.tv)

· The FBI has over 700 names on its list of companies due for 2257 record keeping inspections. The number they've done so far? Seven, six of which have had at least some violations. This may take a while. (adultbizlaw.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

We'll say this for Paris Hilton: her timing is impeccable. Whenever it seems like Britney or Lindsay or even (heaven forbid) her own close personal friend Kim Kardashian might actually take away her title of most talked about celebrity trainwreck icon, she swoops in with a little well-placed nipple and, BOOM ... instant headlines. Like a villain in a bad slasher flick, she simply refuses to stay down. Even worse, just when you think she's done for good, that's when she's mostly likely to strike. While we still maintain that we can't really miss her if she never goes away, we do confess a small bit of respect of the tenacity with which Paris stays in the spotlight. It gets us every time.

· Paris Hilton Nipple Slip Pictures (egotastic.com)

Previously: Wet Spots: Catching Up With Old Friends, Wet Spots: Checking Out Of the Hilton(s), We'll Always Have Paris, Paris Hilton's Crack Solved, Paris Hilton's Sidekick Photos

· Fine, Paris Hilton ... you win. If you take a shower in public then we guess we'll write about you (and your friend Kim Kardashian) again. But just this once. (hollywoodtuna.com)

· Britney Spears' vagina has it's own New Year's resolution, but unfortunately the brain it's attached too might have other ideas. (prettyontheoutside.typepad.com)

· For those who are interested in such things, The Smoking Gun has the court papers from Mariah Carey's fight with Mary Carey over their names. We like a little more visual evidence in our pornstar lawsuits, but that's just us. (thesmokinggun.com)

· If real human calendar babes are a little too much, maybe the computer generated variety would appeal to you more. When you break it all down, they're all mostly silicon anyway right? (thesun.co.uk)

· A Chicago massage parlor is not only accused of offering more than massages, they may also have been broadcasting those happy endings on the internet. Talk about getting rubbed the wrong way. (suntimes.com)

Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives

· Is hip-hop hanger-oner and Paris Hilton playmate Kim Kardashian the latest celebrity to be the subject of a leaked sex tape? You can bet as soon as we find out anything you'll read about it here first. (As soon as we figure out why Kim Kardashian is a celebrity to begin with.) (idontlikeyouinthatway.com)

· Meanwhile, godmother of the sex tape Pamela Anderson is always on top of the latest celebrity trends. Step 1: Get a divorce. Step 2: Upskirt photos. She forget Step 1a—take your panties off—but we've all seen her crotch enough times to know what it looks like. (egotastic.com)

· If you can explain why a brand new Zune might have videos of male group sex on it, you could win a free t-shirt. If you can also explain why anyone would buy one of those doodads in the first place, you'll have our admiration as well. (crunchgear.com)

· Thailand cracks down on "Coyote Girls," the legion of sexy dancers inspired by the movie "Coyote Ugly." If only someone had cracked down on the filmmakers before we spent $7 to see that stinker. (mercurynews.com)

· Why do some strip clubs have the dreaded "three-foot" rule? Believe it or not, it isn't because the whole world is out to get you. (timesargus.com)

* * * * *
Previously: Morning Wood Archives/Wet Spots Archives