We've seen a lot of anti-porn/anti-sex/anti-fun screeds in our day, but we don't think we've ever stumbled across one as scary, wrong-headed—and just plain entertaining—as this anti-masturbation masterpiece from the otherwise legitimate-seeming newspaper, the Nigerian Tribune. It's a fascinating concoction of fear-mongering and psuedo-science featuring quotes from actual "doctors" making outrageous claims about the damage jerking off can do to your brain, nervous system and your spine! We had no clue about the awful things we (and 98% of the human population) were doing to our bodies. Among the things we're putting ourselves at risk for: nervous depression, permanent insanity, lesbianism & homosexuality, guilt (obvs), epilepsy (!), spinal irritation, premature ejaculation, sexual "coldness", and of course, death. Plus, there's the greatest scare quote in the history of dubious statistics: "It has even been documented to cause more deaths among boys in Europe than any plaque or war." We would very much like to see that documentation before we sign ourselves up for the only known cure ... amputation of the schlong. That's some tough medicine, all right.

· "MASTURBATION: Temporary sexual pleasure with many dangers" (tribune.com.ng)

Previously: Caught In The Act: Now What?, Masturbate-A-Thon 2007: Still Coming For A Cause, Masturbation Intervention: Know When To Say When, National Masturbation Month: A Hands-On Guide, Happy Anti-Porn Hysteria Month!, Good Morning America Enables Your Addiction, Porn: America's Addiction!