Vividblurry vs. The Bolt

When the elaborately packaged three-disc edition for Chi Chi LaRue's hardware porn epic "Bolt" arrived at Fleshbot Central a few weeks ago—complete with gleaming, Home Depot design-inspired anal toy—we knew there was only person man enough to give it the review it deserved. Fortunately, the ever-plucky Toby of Vividblurry had recuperated enough from his previous effort to give it the old college try—read along for his first-person account of one of gay porn's most brilliant cross-promotional marketing ideas ever.

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Vividblurry vs. The "Bolt":
Steel Yourself
by Toby Halliwell

Everything always looks easier on TV. Preparing braised capon with pearl onions, for instance. Or removing coffee stains from a white oxford shirt. And, of course, slamming an eight-inch chrome-plated dildo up your ass. When you try to do these things yourself, the braised capon burns, the shirt remains stained, and your ass yearns for the days when dildos were inspired by an erect penis rather than the hardware department of Sears.

You see, the Bolt is just that: a silver, oversized, vaguely phallic electrode that I at first considered placing on top of my television to get better reception. Fortunately, this ribbed hunk of pseudo-steel comes with a helpful instructional video: Chi Chi LaRue's "Bolt," a two-hour epic featuring the eponymous dildo and the 23 men who love it.

The DVD's cover depicts boyish yet endearingly scruffy Johnny Hazzard clutching the Bolt as if it might be used to slay a vampire. Open the case and ... is that Dillon Press administering an unusually large rectal thermometer on Sebastian Tauza? Not quite. It seems the intended purpose of the Bolt is indeed ass-pounding, and like any good porn critic, I had to test out the goods to their fullest capacity.

Eager to see the Bolt in action, I popped in the DVD and scanned forward. A few rim jobs later, I happened upon Anthony Shaw taking it in the ass like the huge, insatiable bottom he is. My God, have you ever seen Anthony Shaw in a porn film? He's pretty slutty. You know, the kind of guy who wears a butt plug to the grocery store.

Anyway, so here's Anthony Shaw on his back, writhing shamelessly with pleasure as his friend slides the Bolt up his gaping anus. Once it's fully inserted —that's right, all eight inches of it—his friend lets go, and the Bolt slides gracefully out of Anthony's butthole and slams onto the Plexiglas below him. This is done numerous times in succession, from various camera angles, presumably to illustrate both the weight of the Bolt and the resilience of Anthony Shaw's ass. The noise of the Bolt hitting the Plexiglas is actually quite jarring, and it awakened in me the realization that—like pig bottom Anthony Shaw—I, too, would have to surrender to the Bolt.

The last time I embarked on the noble crusade of shoving a Fleshbot -provided dildo in my ass, I opted for the warm, cleansing environment of the shower. But because the Bolt is made of cheap metal, exposure to the elements could cause undesirable rust stains. (Two words of advice for Chi Chi LaRue: Stainless steel!) I didn't have any Plexiglas around, so my carpeted bedroom would have to do.

Dildo and lube in hand, I flipped to a scene in which Anthony Shaw is nowhere to be found, which was also the hottest one in the movie: Johnny Hazzard vengefully butt-fucking Lance Gear after being slammed, eaten out, spat upon, and otherwise humiliated. Gripping! I lubed up the Bolt—perhaps using WD-40 would have been more appropriate?—and braced myself for pain.

Now, I know that the harder the penis, the easier it is to engage in anal sex. But hard as steel? Let's get real, people. The average anus isn't made for such feats. I was only able to slip it in an inch before the disturbing sense of cold metal stopped me in my tracks. The Bolt is best left to Anthony Shaw, who could probably engulf a telephone pole if he really wanted.

As for the DVD: Buy it! It is honestly the hottest, dirtiest adult film I have ever witnessed. Aside from being somewhat versatile, Johnny Hazzard brings dignity and respect to the art of being an unabashed bottom. Some may attribute this to his being so young, but I feel it goes deeper than age, physical appearance or the Bolt "anal toy". He redefines power bottom and gives us hope that not every young bottom—myself included—is an embarrassing, pig-squealing, nirvana-experiencing Anthony Shaw in the making.

- Toby Halliwell is a 21-year-old college student who will (still) do anything for a free dildo.

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Also starring: Tag Adams, Gus Mattox, Shane Rollins, and Chris Steele

· View trailer: Chi Chi LaRue's "Bolt" (.wmv video @ cclr.net)

· Order: Chi Chi LaRue's "Bolt" (3-Disc Collector's Set) (Channel One; DVD and Bolt Anal Toy also sold seperately)

· Visit: Vividblurry.com

Previously: Vividblurry vs. Jeremy Penn
 

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