How Tiger Woods Bought Off The National Enquirer

In one of the strangest twists of the Tiger Woods saga, it turns out that this whole public breakdown could have happened two years ago, if only Tiger hadn't cut a deal to squelch some "incriminating" photos back in 2007. [Deadspin]

Last Night's Winner: Gamblers (Half Of Them)

In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like people who had money riding on a full-strength Indianapolis team actually giving a crap against Jacksonville. If you bet the other way...there's always slot machines. [Deadspin]

Rough Season For The Flyers Naturally Leads To Cuckolding Rumors

A season that many thought would be a promising turning point for the Philadelphia Flyers has devolved into a chaotic nightmare of failed playoff dreams. So obviously someone must be banging a teammate's wife, right? [Deadspin]

Vinny Cerrato Gets In One Last Zinger On His Way Out The Door

This morning's winner is apparently the Redskins fans who have finally managed to chase away one half of the dynamic duo that's ruining their lives. Of course, the Joker killed Robin and that didn't stop Batman from kicking his ass. [Deadspin]

Chris Henry's Many Rises and Falls

Chris Henry led a life that seemed to be nothing but trouble, but not long after being hailed by friends, teammates and the media for turning that life around, one more tragic mistake ended it. [Deadspin]

Chris Henry Passes Away

ESPN, AP, and others are now reporting that Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry died around 6:30 this morning from injuries suffered in a car accident. More soon.... [Deadspin]

Metrodome Bathroom Swallows Another Victim

The Metrodome will not let the Twins escape easily, even if it has to trap former Rookies of the Year inside its porcelain bowels for all eternity. [Deadspin]

Glenn Beck Is (Gasp!) Right About Football Helmets

Professional lunatic Glenn Beck has argued—based on this article in the Wall Street Journal—that football helmets are evil, because they make players reckless and, eventually, crippled. It's pains me to say so....but he has a point. [Deadspin]

Alabama Fans Hope To Shut Down State For One Week In January

You're probably aware that the University of Alabama has canceled any classes that might possibly interfere with students' drinkingenjoyment of the BCS Championship, but now some lawyers have asked a judge to shut down the state's legal system as well. [Deadspin]

Big Ten Considers Desperate Plea For Attention

The Big Ten is sad because no one pays attention to it after Thanksgiving, so it wants to add a new school and rebuild its entire organizational structure to play one extra football game. I have a better solution. [Deadspin]