Surprise! It's Intimate Surprises!

Everyone likes surprises, right? And what's better than intimacy? Pretty much nothing (or so we've been told). So if you combine intimacy with a surprise, you're pretty much guaranteed the best thing ever, right?

Well, such is the theory (we assume) behind Intimate Surprises, a service that sends subscribers monthly packages (or should we say "intimate surprises"?). It's like the Bacon of the Month club, only instead of bacon, you're getting marital aids.

Now, I like surprises, so I decided to investigate this phenomenon further. The first package arrived at my office accompanied by a note:

Welcome to Intimate Surprises!

We're so glad you decided to take a leap into the unexpected and see where it takes you.

Because this is your trial membership we wanted to let you warm up to the idea of a monthly surprise. That's why you'll find this month's items are designed to let you relax and savor your time together before you begin to explore.

Which meant what, exactly? Encased in some mesh bags, I found the following:

· One (1) bottle of cheap looking massage oil
· One (1) "Hot Heart Massager"—more or less one of those chemical hand warmers, only in the shape of a heart
· One (1) trial size Wet Warming Lube
· One (1) Screaming O disposable cock ring
· One (1) Vivid Purple Passion vibe (manufactured by Doc Johnson)
· Two (2) batteries, presumably to power the vibrator

I was incredibly underwhelmed by the offerings.

Now, granted, I am a sex toy snob, and likely not the intended audience for this kind of system. But before investing $40/month in this endeavor, you might want to ask yourself what, exactly, you're hoping to get out of this.

High quality sex toys? Not for $40/month, buddy.

The ability to have sex toys delivered to your door, without actually have to pick them out or do any work of "shopping" for yourself? Well, you're getting warmer.

The thrill of knowing that you're being sent a surprise, no matter what that surprise is? That's probably the best reason to pursue this endeavor. And if you don't believe me, just take a look at the Intimate Surprises FAQ:

Q: How will I know if I'll like my surprise?
A: I'll never forget one Christmas when John handed me a beautifully wrapped box with my name on it. The box was huge, so big that I couldn't imagine what was inside, but I just knew it had to be amazing. I carefully pulled off the ribbon and slipped my fingers inside the wrapping paper, lifting off the lid to discover... towels? Yep. Two bath towels. Beige, to be exact. The big kind.

Would I ever, in a million years, have asked for two large bath towels for Christmas? Um, no. Would I have recommended that someone get their wife bath towels for Christmas? Not if I liked them. But you know what? They're fabulous. Large and plush and snuggly. And I love them every time I step out of the shower. See, that's the thing about surprises. They're not necessarily something you'd buy yourself or even think you'd like. In fact, you don't know that you'll love a surprise until you open the box and discover it for the very first time. But when you do, you just may discover that it’s exactly what you needed…even if you never realized it until that very moment.

· Intimate Surprises (intimatesurprises.com)

Send an email to Lux Alptraum, the author of this post, at lux@fleshbot.com.

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