I'll admit it: I made a rookie mistake with the Oui. I judged a book (well, vibrator) by its cover.

But how could I not? It was just so shiny! And metal! And heart-shaped! if anything, it looked more like a very girly lighter than a sex toy—and though I am not a smoker, I do have a soft spot in my heart for very girly lighters. And discreet vibrators. So I took the bait and asked for one.

I knew pretty much immediately that it was probably a mistake. I'm a girl with a taste for complex, mutlifeatured toys, and the Oui was clearly a vibe for the minimalist set. But I decided to give minimalism a fair shake. Maybe I'd develop an appreciation for the simpler side of life?

Alas, it was not a match made in heaven. Though the Oui was decently powerful, I just couldn't get past the fact that it was a flat, vibrating piece of metal that balanced awkwardly against my clit. A flat, vibrating piece of metal that balanced awkwardly against my clit—with only one vibration speed. With a sad sign, I put the Oui away.

There's a heart-shaped hole in my heart, kids. If only this one could have worked out.

· California Exotic Novelties (calexotics.com)

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