Team Fleshbot is at the Mandalay Bay Events Center right now for the 2008 AVN Awards ... and you're not! But, like, we're totally not gloating about that: chances are that however you're spending your Saturday night is a lot more pleasant and comfortable than watching an overlong awards ceremony on giant screens from uncomfortable seats in a cavernous arena. Then again, it probably also doesn't involve watching dozens of barely legal porn starlets teetering down the red carpet in too-high heels wearing badly altered prom dresses and the thrill of seeing the occasional reality show star getting sloppy drunk a few rows away from you. So it all balances out.

Anyway, we still wish you were here ... wish is why we rigged up this sort-of-liveblogging post to keep you up to date on what's going on in Las Vegas at this very moment ... er, at least while we were writing it. So sit back, spritz on some melon body spray to get yourself in the mood, and experience the magic, glamour, and excitement of the 25th Annual AVN Awards after the jump.

. . .

7:47 PM DashBot: This is a total clusterfuck. It's awesome!

7:51 PM SlutMachine: Tera just hit the red carpet.
10:01 PM DashBot: Finally starting, only a half an hour late.

10:05 PM DashBot: Wow, this band is horrible.
10:11 PM SlutMachine: But Greg Fitzsimmons is really funny.
10:19 PM SlutMachine: Sasha Grey just won for best oral. In her speech she said "Thanks, I was sick that day. But I stayed and finished and I guess it paid off." Then she walked away. I love her.
10:19 PM SlutMachine: There are all these needless video montages for the nominees, just like on the Oscars!

10:21 PM SlutMachine: Also, one of the "Rock Of Love" girls is here, Tamra. She's wasted.
10:31 PM DashBot: "Operation Desert Stormy" won Best Sex Comedy.
10:54 PM SlutMachine: Best Anal went to "Big Wet Asses #10". Bree Olson thanked all the vegetable oil they used.
11:05 PM DashBot: And now Paul Fishbein is ranting about censorship.

11:15 PM SlutMachine: Jenna is addressing her skinny rumors. She just said "I will never ever ever spread my legs for this industry again!"
11:16 PM DashBot: This is the craziest most self-serving speech ever.
11:17 PM SlutMachine: And Stormy Daniels just said, "Guys don't worry - I'm gonna spread my legs a little longer."
11:22 PM DashBot: Evan Stone is Male Performer of the Year.
11:33 PM DashBot: And "Layout" won Best Film.

11:33 PM SlutMachine : So many people have left. The place is really empty.
11:43 PM DashBot: John Stagliano won Best Director for "Fashionistas Safado: Berlin", and Eva Angelina won Best Actress for "Upload". (Ed. note: We told you!)
11:49 PM DashBot: Bree Olson is Best New Starlet. And "Upload" is Best Video.

11:54 PM SlutMachine: This guy sums it all up right now.
12:03 AM SlutMachine : Sasha Grey is Performer Of The Year. (Ed. note: Of course she is.)
12:04 AM SlutMachine : She's crying.
12:13 AM SlutMachine : OK it's over. So where are the parties?

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