This simple yet effective marital aid addresses something at the heart of my experience of pornography: porn's "teens" are not necessarily teens, porn's "MILFs" ain't always MILFs, and porn's "schoolgirls" often prove unable to let me use their education discount to make buying an iPhone worthwhile.

Finally there is a device with which I may discipline them for their impudence and chicanery. Read more about it after the gap.

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It hadn't occurred to me that beating someone like a horse might at one point have seemed like a novel idea; riding crops have always been part of the fabric of What People Who Love Each Other Very Much do.

But a school cane? That has just as many antecedents in our culture as its equine counterpart. There's the Pink Floyd: The Wall angle as well as the sad case of Michael Fay. And it's really important that the punishment for impersonating a schoolgirl fit the crime.

The School Cane was crafted overseas to recall the shape, whistle, and heft of the finest King George-era school canes, as used on schoolboys (and-girls) in disgrace in every corner of the British Empire.

Our test subject didn't have any pudding, we can assure you.

· School Cane (blacklabeladultshop.com)

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Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive

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