"Mmmm," says Dustin Diamond—who played "Screech" on the 80's Saturday morning kidcom "Saved by the Bell" and who, if you haven't heard, has released a homemade sex tape called "Screeched"—"Cheese and cracker plate. I could eat that shit right up."

Screech wants us to know he likes cheese and crackers. On a sex tape.

We'll take "SBTB" castmate Elizabeth Berkeley in "Showgirls" any time. Where's her video? Meanwhile, if you're still interested, read our review of "Screeched" after the gap.

- GP

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Screeched

Studio: Red Light District

Director: Dustin "Dirty Sanchez" Diamond

Cast: Screech, with unrelated "bonus scenes" featuring Tia Tanaka, Rebecca Linares, Amy Reid, and Annette Schwartz

Review by Gram Ponante

That Diamond, whose financial woes drove him first to radio stations selling anti-foreclosure t-shirts, now peddles a sex tape through "1 Night in Paris" purveyors Red Light District, comes across as painfully self-conscious should be a given, but that the video fails to reveal a hidden redeeming talent is the unkindest cut of all.

Diamond made the tape after a Wisconsin club appearance when he was invited to join a bachelorette party in their hotel room, so he tells the camera, and the video is part of a series of competing sex tapes released by his friends. He addresses the camera as both "Mark" and "Bro".

Diamond's entreaties to the two-girl bachelorette party (including "You grew up with me, baby!") eventually result in a gradual breakdown of their inhibitions, and it is impressive to hear him talking them down.

Remembering, of course, that the "Bride" and "Bridesmaid" were aware of the filming and that they signed a release form is comforting only because you don't want to believe that Screech acted alone in ruining the marriage.

Shot in very poor P.O.V. style, "Screeched" features too many shots of Diamond's face. It is a plus, though, that the banter seems real and that the bachelorette party, getting consistently drunker, appears nevertheless to be doing this of their own volition.

And that hyped Dirty Sanchez comes as something of an anticlimax. There is a lip. There is poo. Apparently "Bro" offers points for that sort of thing.

The "Screeched" DVD also contains unrelated bonus scenes from porn pros just in case viewers feel Shaved by the Quality. The sex isn't good, but a tape one makes for friends isn't really about that, anyway.

So before buying this, ask yourself: "Am I Dustin Diamond's friend?"

· Red Light District (clubredlight.com)

· Buy "Screeched" (gamelink.com)

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Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive