While there are those who believe that Thomas Dolby and vendors who sell light-up sunglasses are neither erotic nor exotic, last weekend's Erotic Exotic Ball and Expo at San Francisco's Cow Palace had both charm and sexiness in healthy dollops throughout the two-day event.

See what happens when non-pornstars (as well as a few actual ones) get their perv on after the gap. - GP

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I'd never been to one of these events before and, though I knew that the Expo portion had been tacked on a few years ago to make some extra cash, I allowed the shabbiness of the Expo to influence my expectations for the Ball.

For example, I imagine the following conversation might have actually happened:

"Say brah, are you going to the 2006 Erotic Exotic Ball at San Francisco's Cow Palace?"

"You know it brah."

"I'm going as a pimp, brah, with a three-foot cock, brah, that I will need to hold on to."

"I'm going as a Mexican."

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While the BDSM adherents in my merry group approved of the way this fellow was taken care of, I was interested in what the "& more" meant.

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Vikings all be getting the fly honies.

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Among the Ball's entertainment was "The World's Only Live Mashup Band", Smashup Derby. With a coterie of strippers and cross-dressers, this excellent band performed songs like "Closer to Rock and Roll".

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The contrast betweeen the Ball and the Expo was dramatic. Here some rent-a-cops ponder an unused suspension rope.

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Photographs of California's beloved ranchers line the walls. Despite the weekend's dedication to a leather event, this venue was actually named the Cow Palace for its rodeos and livestock shows.

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These people sold chocolate-covered cock-shaped fruit. "Don't you know there's a war on?" I did not say.

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I wondered if the protesters also paid $15 for parking just so they could taunt well-meaning, cool people who weren't hurting anyone.

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A haiku:

Lonely vinyl dude
Your mistress dropped your tether
Propped up all shiny

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A few facts about the Floating Bed:

1. It costs $4,000
2. It is manufactured in Iowa
3. It is not recommended that you sleep on it

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Noob Saibot wonders where Sub-Zero got off to.

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Thomas Dolby, dressed as an upscale Cenobite, plays erotic favorites like "Leipzig". Dinner's in the microwave, sweetie!

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"How do we sex up 'One of Our Submarines', brah?"

"Add girls, brah?"

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Monica Mayhem, Devinn Lane, Kayla Paige, Sunny Lane, and Sinnamon Love. The look on Sunny's face? Priceless.

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Despite good intentions, the event was still subject to frequent camera phone scrums. Look! A woman in body paint!

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Vanessa Blue poses in front of the banner of Attorney Michael Fattarosi. Law is erotic!

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Bodypainted petting zoo captives make for Fleshbot's cameras.

"We usually charge for these pictures, you know," said a safari-outfitted handler.

"I usually remove coffee stains from my shirt before I go out, Teddy Roosevelt."

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I'd say 80 percent of the Ball's attendees dressed up, which is a much higher percentage than an L.A. Halloween party.

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Do people use datelines any more? Does smiling at someone make one wild? While I've only spent three days in San Francisco in my life, I do believe that the woman in this picture, as well as her implants, live nowhere near here.

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Cow Palace security collected demon heads, tridents, and sex shillelaghs to keep the event peaceful.

· Erotic Exotic Ball (eroticexoticball.com)

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Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive

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